


Like the Moon Needs the Sea

by letters_of_stars



Category: Free!
Genre: Gift Fic, M/M, Missing Moments, Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 16:44:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 28,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13127577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letters_of_stars/pseuds/letters_of_stars
Summary: All things must start somewhere. A flower, a smile, an offered hand. The weight of Nagisa asleep on Rei’s shoulder, the sound of his voice calling Rei’s name, the mark of their footprints wandering along the beach. Two years of possible answers, and yet Rei can’t figure it out. What wasthemoment that truly started it?What was the beginning of falling in love?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to the participants in the Iwatobies Gift Exchange who didn't end up receiving a gift. I know this is a year late, but I hope you like it anyway!

All things have a beginning.

Except for when they don’t. Or at least, no beginning that Rei can figure out, no matter how hard he thinks about it.

Which is a little frustrating, to be honest. Why should this be any different from everything else in the known universe? It’s going to keep Rei up at night, wracking his brain trying to point to a single moment, say that yes, that was where something changed. Right there. But when he tries to land a finger on that exact smile, exact touch, exact instance that he looked out into the world with new eyes, it slips away. It slips away like he’s not even supposed to believe in beginnings anymore. It’s like the Big Bang, Rei thinks. An event scientists are sure must have happened, are certain happened, and can even work their way back through the development of elements and creation of galaxies, all the way back 13.7 billion years ago to a single point in which things...somehow happened. The beginning—the actual spark that caused the entire universe to bloom—is lost. Maybe beginnings are actually a scientific anomaly. 

Except...that’s not it. That’s not it at all, which is even more frustrating. His moments aren’t lost. He remembers them vividly, his little tiny Big Bangs, made up of pool water and laughter in the dark and tears dripping from his chin and a stone from the beach and squashed car rides and an offered hand. The problem, Rei decides, is that he has too many beginnings to figure out which was  _ the _ beginning. 

He is simply spilling over with potential beginnings, and it’s becoming a problem. 

Like this:

 

* * *

 

It begins with the straps of his backpack cutting a little too tight into his hips. He cinched them too tight walking into the school, and the boy in front of him won’t stop talking about some sort of club. He’s blond and excitable and obviously passionate, but Rei has track already to occupy his time, has already stated said fact, and he really wants to reach his desk so he can take his backpack off. He doesn’t want to bother adjusting the straps when his classroom is just seconds away, if only this boy who just won’t take a hint would move. Rei doesn’t care, he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care. He finishes the conversation as quickly as he can by humming his way past a couple more attempts at snaring his interest, and then rushes to his classroom when the boy’s attention is drawn elsewhere. He unclips his backpack at his hips and across the chest and sets it down on the floor. His hands rub discreetly at where he’s hurting. He’s pretty sure the boy from the hallway is peering into the classroom after him, and it’s a little discomforting, especially when the boy follows him in and takes a seat one row over and a couple desks back. Rei sits and grabs the book from the inner pocket of his backpack. It’s only paperback, and has gotten a little roughed up in the journey while crammed in with all his textbooks, but Rei smooths the pages and begins to read about physical training. Eventually he loses the sensation of being watched, and the whole incident is forgotten as soon as the teacher begins morning announcements.

 

* * *

 

It begins with an honorific, cheerfully assigned as they wait for the train. Rei- _ chan _ . Rei- _ chan _ ? Ryugazaki-kun had been just fine, thank you very much, even if it’s been coming from the blond boy’s mouth a little too often lately. Hazuki-kun. The blond, talkative boy is Hazuki-kun.  _ Not _ Nagisa. And Rei still won’t be joining the swim club. He’s even laid out his reasons now. Ugly, gasping, splashing sport that spits upon the evolution of life on earth to live on land. It’s a travesty anyone devotes themselves to swimming at all. 

He might have switch train stations if Hazuki-kun is going to frequent this one.

 

* * *

 

It begins with the flowers at the sides of the path. They sway a little in the light breeze that accompanies Rei on his daily morning run. The breeze is not the only one accompanying him though. 

Hazuki perks up when Rei glances back at him, and Rei quickly diverts his attention back to the flowers. He can’t believe Hazuki is still going on about him joining the swim club. Even if he’s desperate, Rei has presented enough of a hurdle already that going after someone else entirely would be a better bet. If they need someone for their joint practice, there are probably plenty of boys at school who wouldn’t mind too much jumping in a pool for a few hours. 

“Why does it have to be me?” Rei asks as he runs, voice low, head tilted down. Why not any of the other people he’d seen Hazuki pestering in the hallways? Why him? Why so insistently him? 

Hazuki thinks about it, but not for long. “Because you’re a boy with a girly name?”

Rei nearly trips over his own feet in his sudden stop. He needs to look the other boy in the eye to believe this. “That’s your reason?” he splutters. 

“Yeah,” Hazuki replies instantly. Rei clears his throat and adjusts his glasses and mostly just wishes he could run fast enough to leave Hazuki behind forever, but Hazuki has actually proven himself a decent runner and will just catch up to Rei eventually and ask him to join the swim club for the five billionth time. But then Hazuki hums a little, drawing Rei’s attention, and smiles as he says, “But the main reason was because you looked beautiful.”

Honestly, the rest of this memory is not as vivid as the others. Rei remembers how hot his face got, how his stomach flip-flopped a few times, is fairly certain he gave another impromptu lecture on how ugly swimming is. He remembers feeling a little....a little…

A little out of sorts actually, regarding the amount of times Hazuki mentions this Haru-chan. It made Rei curious to see Haru in action, if only so Hazuki will stop talking about him. And next thing he knows, he’s in front of the whole swim team at the gates of the school agreeing to participate in the joint practice as a trial member. Just as a trial member, mind. And then Hazuki can leave him alone.

He’s pretty sure his cheeks stay a little pink all morning. Beautiful when he jumped? That’s not...it’s…

That’s hardly a socially acceptable thing to say to someone you barely know. But from what he can tell from the short time he’s spent with Hazuki, the other boy thrives on the socially unacceptable. 

Rei still won’t join the swim club. Just one afternoon seated safely at the side of the pool and then he’s gone. That way, none of them will know the reason why he can’t join, even if he wanted to.

 

* * *

 

It begins with complete humiliation. He’s beginning to mind the ‘Rei-chan’ thing less and less though, and Hazuki continues to be apologetic the entirety of their journey home right up until they part ways. The way Hazuki talks is a little different now. He doesn’t ask Rei to join the swim club. Has he given up? Or maybe he’s just trying not the remind Rei about the joint practice. Which Rei is of course very happy to forget. Except he can’t get the sight of Haru gliding into the water out of his head. Beautiful. Rei spends more time than he’d like to admit looking up videos of professional swimmers and watching the initial entry into the water, over and over again. He wishes he could jump into the air with the same sort of effortless grace he sees here. 

Rei can feel them all watching, of course, the next day at the track. He’s getting very good at telling when Hazuki is watching him. It’s a bit embarrassing with the two older students and the girl whose name he doesn’t know. He tries to push them from his mind and focus on equations, but he’s already been told he won’t get any better that way, hasn’t he? The track captain had said it himself.

Rei wants to grasp at something better.

No theory. No calculation. Freedom. He runs. He launches from the pole. He soars. He falls.

Turns out that freedom hurts, with the bar landing across his stomach and scoring another more considerable blow to his already fragile ego. Why did he do that? He should have stuck to his usual calculations. 

Usual calculations where he won’t ever improve. Math can only do so much, and he’s done all the math. He’ll just be stuck, stagnant as everyone around him jumps higher, and higher, and higher still. 

Maybe his goal shouldn’t be flying higher in the air, but underneath the water. 

It takes everything he has to approach the swim team on the bench after that. Takes everything to bow and ask to become one of them. But for some reason, it feels like a chunk of lead is lifted from his stomach when Haru agrees that he can join. “Free,” Rei repeats, when Haru first says the word. Yes, free. That’s what he wants. Any way that he can get it. 

“I expect you to take responsibility,” he adds to Hazuki, because if anything he’s sure Hazuki will want to keep Rei in the swim club now that he’s finally here. Rei pauses before his next words, hoping that the meaning will go through without needing to explain. He can’t say it while looking at him for some reason, so Rei glances away and mutters, “Nagisa-kun.” 

By the smile on Nagisa’s face, Rei knows that Nagisa understands the significance of that change of name. Rei-chan and Nagisa-kun. Now they’re a pair. For better or for worse.

 

* * *

 

It begins with the towel Nagisa hands him, while Rei is still sitting dejectedly at the bench, mourning his attempt at the breaststroke. “It’s fine, it’s fine,” Nagisa says with a smile. That’s what he’s said to all of Rei’s failures. Rei takes the towel and dries his hair before letting the towel flop around his shoulders. He studies the tiles of the floor and the lines of fabric in his own swimsuit. 

“Rei-chan?” Nagisa leans into his field of vision once more. Rei blinks and looks up. “Do you want to catch the train?” Nagisa asks. Water from his hair is dripping steadily down his face, down his neck, the drops running into the shoulders of his shirt. His clothes look half soaked. 

Because his towel is currently around Rei’s neck. Rei sighs a little. If it were Makoto or Haru, he would apologize. But he knows Nagisa won’t accept apologies. He’s tried before. Nagisa is as persistent in dodging apologies as he was in getting Rei to join the club. “You’re wet,” Rei says instead, and hands Nagisa the damp towel. 

Nagisa grins and uses the towel to dry his hair just a little, drops of water flying everywhere. “It’s fine, it’s fine,” he says. 

Rei ends up wet too anyway, when Nagisa flops onto his shoulder for a nap five minutes into the ride home. The first few times he’d been annoyed. Not that the train car was packed with potential onlookers, but what would people think, watching Nagisa sleep against him? Especially when Nagisa started drooling a little. But after a week, Rei’s gotten used to it. Maybe he’s even nodded off himself, once or twice. Swimming is exhausting work, after all, especially when he always ends up at the bottom of the pool. 

He doesn’t mind a wet shoulder. It’s proof that Nagisa still wants him there, even when Rei swims with the grace of a rock. So Nagisa is a damp but warm reassurance all the way to the next station, and Rei doesn’t really care who sees.

 

* * *

 

It begins with the wind against his face, Nagisa’s shirt clasped tight in his hands. Nagisa stands at the bow of the ship, laughing as they steer out of the harbor and towards open ocean. He spreads his arms out wide and Rei is slightly terrified the wind will just pluck him away. Nagisa is awfully small, after all. After a few minutes, Nagisa tugs his shirt out of Rei’s grasp. “It’s fine, Rei-chan. I won’t fall. And if I fall, I can swim.”

“The boat will run you over,” Rei insists, and snatches at Nagisa’s wrist. “Come down.” 

Nagisa’s eyes flicker once to Rei’s hand around his wrist and then back to Rei’s face. Rei resists the impulse to release his grip and instead tugs Nagisa back towards him. This time, Nagisa listens. He hops down to the deck and shoots Rei a grin before skipping off after Gou, who is watching the water intently for wildlife. Rei’s heart stops thundering so hard and he sighs in relief. Why he worries so much is beyond him. Nagisa seems to have travelled through all of his previous life relatively unscathed, and Makoto and Haru sure don’t seem to worry when Nagisa does foolish things like try to fly at the bow of a boat or skip around a store wearing glasses he can’t possibly see through. Rei just feels better doing it for himself, he guesses. Maybe once he knows Nagisa a little better, he’ll be able to simply watch Nagisa’s antics with amusement. 

Nagisa leans so far over the railing pointing at a porpoise that his feet lift off the ground. Rei practically lunges across the deck to drag at Nagisa’s shirt to keep him onboard, and then blushes only a little when Nagisa starts laughing at his panicked expression. He’ll get used to it. He knew what he was getting into, joining this team. He’ll get used to it.

 

* * *

 

It begins with Nagisa’s hand, clutched tight around his own. “Are you okay?” Nagisa asks, too loud, too close. Too much, everything is too much. “Rei-chan, are you okay?” Nagisa insists, fingers closing tighter, body moving closer. No, no he’s not alright at all, he’s drowning, can’t Nagisa see? Can’t he see? The huge waves are all around them and the sky is dark above and Rei’s lost all control over his limbs and there’s no way Nagisa can support them both. He’s trying, so hard, with both of Rei’s arms over his shoulders as he swims desperately towards an island, but there’s no way they’ll make it. Another wave crashes down over them and Rei would be swept away but for Nagisa’s tight grip around his wrist. He’s dragged back up to the surface, coughing up seawater and salt stinging his eyes. “Rei-chan!” Nagisa shouts again, right in his ear, and Rei manages a weak grunt. It must be enough, because Nagisa begins swimming for land once more. “It’s okay, I’ve got you!” he says at some point, but Rei can’t tell with his vision whether they’ve made any progress or not. They’re probably going to die out here, the both of them, eaten by whatever frightening creatures dwell at the bottom of the ocean, and Nagisa simply can’t—

And then Rei’s feet find sand, coarse and scratchy and the best thing he’s ever felt. His knees are too weak to stand, and his dead weight pulls Nagisa back down under the water the moment Nagisa tries to get upright. Nagisa goes down with a yelp, and Rei unlocks his arms from around Nagisa’s neck and scrambles to get him back above the surface. Nagisa emerges from the water with a deep gasp for air, but doesn’t say anything about it, just takes Rei’s hand again and half-leads half-drags him up to the beach. His grip is kind of cutting off Rei’s circulation, actually, but Rei squeezes back just as hard. They manage to crawl up to where the waves only reach their feet and then collapse on the debris-laden sand, both hacking up water and taking heaving breaths. Rei wipes the water from his eyes and turns his head to look at Nagisa, at the way his chest expands and contracts because, miraculously, they’re still alive. Rei can’t see well without his glasses, but he can see that Nagisa is alive. That’s enough.

“Rei-chan?” Nagisa asks, and flexes his fingers in Rei’s. “Are you okay?” 

No, not in any sense of the word, but Rei still nods and replies, “Yeah, I’m okay.” 

They don’t move for several minutes, too exhausted to even contemplate getting up. After a while, though, Rei notices Nagisa is beginning to shiver. He sits up, muscles protesting the entire way, and casts his eyes around the beach, squinting. There. A rocky outcrop, just perfect to get them out of the worst of the storm. “Come on,” he says, and helps Nagisa to his feet. They trudge across the sand towards the shelter, and Rei could cry with relief when he finds a piece of driftwood to sit down on, way at the back of the outcrop where the rain won’t reach. He lets his head hang down and finally processes what just happened. 

Oh God. They nearly died. And what about Makoto? Is he alright? The look in his eyes when he’d stopped in the water…

Rei needs to apologize. He needs to find Makoto and Haru and apologize for being so stupid. So, so, unbelievably stupid.

He almost got Nagisa killed too. Rei raises his face and watches Nagisa stand at the entrance to the outcrop, watching the sea. “I think I see your kickboard,” Nagisa says, conversationally, and drops to his knees to wait for the little blue blob Rei can barely see come closer and closer. 

“Nagisa, I’m so so—” Rei begins, but Nagisa looks back over his shoulder and smiles. 

“It’s okay, Rei-chan! We’re okay, that’s what matters!” Because Nagisa never accepts Rei’s apologies. Rei sighs and drops his head once more, and Nagisa reaches to save the kickboard from the sea.

 

* * *

 

It begins with the worst pun Rei has possibly ever heard. Rei-fridgerator? There should be a prison sentence for a pun that bad. His exasperation does momentarily eclipse his nerves, though, so maybe it wasn’t actually that bad.

 

* * *

 

It also begins with the stars. Rei stares up at the sky, points out the constellations he can make out, stares at the universe reflected back beneath their feet, and it’s like the terror of the last few hours just...disappears. They really are okay, all four of them. Standing in a reflection of the galaxy, Rei feels, for the first time, that he is truly a member of the team.

 

* * *

 

It begins with the ride to Rei’s first ever competition. Prefecturals. Nagisa falls asleep on his shoulder and Rei wonders if Nagisa has a type of narcolepsy triggered by travel. Or maybe Rei has never fully understood how comfortable his own shoulders really are. He wishes he knew, because he got absolutely no sleep last night. He pokes Nagisa awake once they get to the station. 

“You nervous?” Nagisa asks, bright and bubbly just two seconds out of sleep. Rei shrugs. Of course he is, but he doesn’t need anyone trying to reassure him for the next ten minutes. Nagisa grins at him and skips across the sidewalk like it’s any other day. Watching him, the leaden feeling of impending doom gets a little lighter in Rei’s chest. “It’s fine,” Nagisa will say if they fail, if Rei lets them all down. Nagisa always finds a way to make things fine. 

Nagisa completely catches on to how nervous Rei really is though, despite his attempt to remain stoic. And Rei only grows more agitated throughout the day. This Rin-san, who he barely knows through sight, had once swum with Nagisa and Makoto and Haru? He’d been a piece of the team? 

It makes Rei feel slightly sick to his stomach. It doesn’t help that his goggles slip off and he completely fails to qualify in his event. 

But then!

But then there is the medley relay the next day. Despite the frantic search for Haru, despite the last-minute panic of trying to put a relay team together, the heat of the relay flows through Rei’s body, minute to minute to minute, until he’s right there, perched at the edge of the water, waiting for Nagisa’s return. 

_ There! _

He swims for all he’s worth, which he knows isn’t much, given his inexperience, but Rei watches Haru pass above him and slip into the water and accepts Nagisa’s hand to get him up on land once more so they can cheer Haru on. As a team. Yes, Rei is a part of this team. Right? 

It feels like it, to him, as they all cheer and cry and jump on each other after the win. Even if just for those few, precious moments, it feels like it to him.

 

* * *

 

It begins with the serious expression on Nagisa’s face when he explains the plan for espionage at the summer festival. Rin can feel his sensible inner self rebelling, but Nagisa is so invested in fixing whatever went wrong between Haru and Rin that it’s impossible to not get sucked in, and Rei won’t lie about his own investment in Haru’s wellbeing. Of course it makes sense for Rei to tail Rin, as the one Iwatobi face Rin won’t recognize as easily. 

Rei watches Rin from around fences and behind masks, finds himself playing along the way Nagisa no doubt is as well, imagining this really is a covert operation, vital to the survival of the team. Like when he was a kid.

It really is more fun that way. 

Still, watching Rin, he can’t help but feel...well…

He’s not quite sure how he feels. Maybe he just wishes Rin understood how much his old team is worrying about him, wishes Rin could appreciate...could...just see…

Maybe Rei just wants to see what’s so special about Rin that leaves a gaping hole in the Iwatobi team, one that Rei just can’t seem to fill. He might feel like a part of the team, but that doesn’t mean any of the others feel the same way. No matter how hard he tries, he’ll never be that missing piece. Not for Haru. Not for Makoto. Not even for Nagisa. And even at practice after the festival, with Rin participating in the relay now, even at the hot pot party, everybody is talking about Rin, Rin, Rin...Rin was on the team, Rin raced in the relay, Rin lost to Haru and is now missing, missing, missing...

Rei wants to be that missing piece, he realizes with a sickening jolt in his stomach. But Rin’s absence screams so loud sometimes it’s deafening. Rei can swim until his arms and legs give out but he’ll never be who they really want him to be. Not really. 

This was why he never wanted to join the swim club. Why it would have been better if he had avoided Nagisa completely. Because if he never tried to belong, he wouldn’t feel so left behind right now. 

“Well there’s no point thinking about it. It’s all in the past. And we don’t plan on getting you involved, so don’t worry,” Nagisa tries to assure him the night of the hot pot party as they sit together outside the train station. We. You. Already separating Rei from the others. Tossing him aside.

“How can you say that when i’m already involved?” Rei snaps back, and stares at Nagisa’s startled face. But Rei doesn’t feel in the wrong, so he won’t apologize. He hasn’t given his all and more to this club just to be treated as an aside. He crosses his arms and sits back in his seat, and after a minute, Nagisa slowly resumes eating his ice cream. 

The ride home, he sits a seat away, and doesn’t fall asleep on Rei’s shoulder.

 

* * *

 

It begins with the gutsiest move Rei might have ever pulled in his life, if he forgets the whole ‘swimming in the open ocean with an oncoming storm’ thing. Rin stands like a delinquent, talks like one too. And Rei knows he’s digging into wounds he has no right to, but he needs to know. He needs to understand this missing piece. 

Rin-chan. Rin-chan.  _ Rin-chan. _ Why does Nagisa...why does anyone have to say his name so often? 

“I want to swim with them as a member of that team,” he tells Rin, naming the deepest desire he feels in his heart. To swim. To be a part of something greater. To see something he’s never seen before. And he sees Rin break, just a little, in front of him. It’s what gives Rei the courage to walk out of there, sling his backpack over one shoulder and say, as a parting remark, “If you interfere, I will never forgive you.”

As if Rei’s forgiveness is something Rin would care about. But Rei feels cooler for saying it.

He isn’t exactly expecting the swim club to turn up at his apartment though. Nagisa runs in and makes himself at home on Rei’s bed, because of course he’s been here a few times already. But Rei is unprepared for Haru and Makoto to show up. He makes them as comfortable as he can, and they seem content studying his old trophies and bookshelf. Oh, and whoops, looks like the jig is up. They all know where he was this afternoon instead of practice. But Rei’s through with that. He just wants to forget about Rin-chan, Rin-chan, Rin-chan. 

And then Haru fixes him with that cool stare and says quietly, “The four of us are a team now, Rei.” 

It’s as if Rei’s standing atop the abandoned lighthouse once more, walking on the stars. If Haru says they are a team—if Haru wants Rei to be that missing piece, even when Rin fit so much better—then Rei is part of the team, isn’t he? 

It sure feels like it, when he watches his team make complete fools of themselves on his floor using only melon bread. These three sometimes ridiculous people are  _ his _ . 

It feels good to think that. 

All the way on the bus ride to Regionals. The shopping. The eating. The running after Nagisa whenever he got in his head to just go bolting off somewhere, he thinks of them. My team. My team. 

My team, he thinks, when he gets the text from Rin, asking to meet up. 

My team, he still thinks, as he hears Rin’s side of the story. Here is what he wanted: to understand what sort of gap Rin left behind. Here is the missing piece. But it doesn’t matter anymore. Rei has made himself fit. 

My team, he thinks, when he wakes the next morning. 

My team, he thinks, as Regionals begin. 

He watches Rin struggle to get up out of the water after the 100 meter freestyle. Runs after the rest of them to go find him. My team? 

His team is broken. Haru is broken. Maybe what the team needs more than a new piece is a little bit of glue. Because they are  _ his  _ team, even if he isn’t a member of theirs. 

“There’s someone you want to swim with, right?” he asks Haru, and knows the answer isn’t him. Is he okay with this? Of course he isn’t. But Rei adjusts his glasses and smiles and tells them of course. Of course it’s okay. He can take one for the team. 

 

* * *

 

And so it begins with a little bit of heartbreak.

 

* * *

 

It begins with watching the team tackle-hug each other after finishing the relay and wishing so badly it could have been him, securing that first place. Rei sticks close to Gou as they wander down from the stands, listening to Ama-sensei switch between lecture and congratulations in her mutterings. Gou’s got teary eyes, and Rei wishes he could feel as happy watching the team still hugging and laughing and—in Nagisa’s case—jumping up and down. There they are, perfectly completed.

All lectures aside, it seems obvious enough to everyone that a photo op is very much required, at least before the judges realize what happened. Rei stands away and to the side, arms crossed over his chest. The four swimmers line themselves up with beaming grins, and then Nagisa’s eyes travel over to him. “Rei-chan!” Before Rei can react, cold little hands are clutching at his arms, his hands, his clothes, pulling him towards the team. 

“I didn’t race!” Rei splutters, and Nagisa looks at him like that’s the dumbest thing he’s ever heard. 

“You’re on the team,” he insists, and pulls on Rei’s collar until Rei looks him in the eye. “Rei-chan, you’re on the team. Okay?” 

Rei swallows hard, unsure how to react to the sudden serious tone. “O-okay.” 

And then the Nagisa he knows is back, beaming bright up at him. “Then smile!” He pulls Rei into the picture with a triumphant little laugh. The camera flashes, blinding them for a second, and Nagisa’s laugh remains a constant soundtrack as the judges realize just what happened here and all hell breaks loose.

 

* * *

 

It begins with a double popsicle, bought down by the pier. Nagisa pockets his change and unwraps the treat carefully before snapping it in two, a half for each of them. He’d asked Rei’s favorite flavor beforehand. Blue. Rei doesn’t know exactly which flavor it’s meant to be, but he’s always liked the blue. They walk along the shore together. Rei nibbles at his popsicle. Nagisa is a little less careful and the color starts to stain his lips and tongue. Not that he cares. Rei doesn’t care either. 

It’s getting a little chilly for popsicles, really, but it’s nice to simply walk together. The school pool will be closed down for winter, Nagisa explains, so they can focus on cardio training and hopefully get the old indoor pool running again. A group project. And then everything will start back over in the spring. 

Rei has nowhere to put his popsicle stick when he’s finished. He holds it awkwardly in his hand half-hidden behind his back. “Ah...maybe…”

Nagisa turns to give Rei his complete attention, which is something Rei is never quite sure he fully deserves. “Yes?”

Well, he might as well finish what he started. “Maybe we could run together, sometimes.” 

Nagisa stares up at him for a few seconds and then grins so his eyes crinkle in the corners. “Sounds good to me!” He kicks off his shoes and leaves footprints in the sand. Rei sticks his finished stick back in his mouth and chews on it until the wood begins to splinter. 

“Rei-chan?” Nagisa asks after a few moments of walking in silence. “Can I say something?” He stops and stares up at Rei, lips turned completely blue. 

“You usually don’t ask my permission before saying anything,” Rei replies, a little apprehensive. Nagisa smiles and acknowledges the point before biting off another piece of popsicle and chewing while he thinks. 

“Well...um...it’s about Rin-chan.” 

The wooden stick snaps between his teeth and a piece stabs at Rei’s tongue. He says nothing as Nagisa studies his face, no doubt waiting for a reaction. But Rei doesn’t know how to react. What does Nagisa want to say? Thank him like the others for helping Haru and Rin resolve their differences? Tell him he did a good thing, in sitting back and watching Rin take his rightful place? Drop the bombshell that is Rin transferring to Iwatobi and Rei is no longer needed? 

Nagisa swallows the bits of popsicle and tilts his head to one side. “Just that...Rin-chan is Rin-chan and Rei-chan is Rei-chan and you are on the team, okay?” 

Rei blinks and tries to spit out the splinter with at least some sort of dignity. “Sorry?” 

Nagisa watches as Rei has to reach into his mouth to remove the splinter before it pierces some more vital part of his anatomy. He waits until Rei is finished before he steps closer, so close Rei has to peer down at him. “I didn’t want you to join the team to replace Rin-chan. I wanted you to join the team because I wanted you to join the team.” He grins mischievously. “If I wanted to replace Rin-chan then I would have wanted someone who could swim.” 

He giggles when Rei glares at him. 

“Why me though?” Rei asks once the laughter has settled. “I...I didn’t make it easy, so why did it have to be me?” 

_ How am I the missing piece? _

Nagisa steps back a pace. His bare feet leave traces almost touching Rei’s sneakers. “I thought I told you. You just...your jump…and your name…” He bites at his blue lip and retreats another couple of steps. Almost like he’s embarrassed. But Nagisa doesn’t get embarrassed. He just doesn’t. 

“Why me?” Rei repeats. Nagisa spins around and starts marching back down the beach. 

“Because!” 

“Because why?” 

Nagisa sighs and waves a hand in the air. His reply is almost lost among the waves. “Because it just had to be you, alright?” 

“But—” Rei starts, but then Nagisa is running off down the beach, pointing up at the sky at the birds flying overhead. “Look, Rei-chan! Let’s buy some bread to feed them!” 

So they sit side by side on the pier, tearing off little pieces of melon bread and tossing them to the waiting seagulls. But Rei still wants a real answer to his question and Nagisa knows it. He waits until they’re all out of bread and simply sitting there, shoulders nearly touching. Perhaps the him of the spring would have tried to pull away and put some space between them. The him of now doesn’t mind, and maybe even welcomes the closeness. 

“I don’t know,” Nagisa says at last. “I don’t know why. I just saw you and talked to you and then it had to be you.” He shrugs. “That’s it.” 

It’s not a thorough explanation, but probably the best Rei will get. But Nagisa looks back over at him and smiles, a reserved smile Rei doesn’t see much of, bittersweet instead of bursting with joy. “I’m sorry you couldn’t swim the relay.”

“It’s fine,” Rei assures him. It feels like a little less of a lie this time. Rin-chan is Rin-chan and Rei-chan is Rei-chan, huh?

Nagisa leans over and bumps him. “We’ll go to Nationals next year. And you’ll be a part of every relay. I promise.” 

He holds up a pinky. Wiggles it a little when Rei doesn’t react right away. Rei bites down on his smile as they hook pinkies and Nagisa performs the little rhyme. He feels better now, actually. Nagisa might be guilty of casual lying to get himself or friends out of trouble now and then, but he is also the sort of person who keeps his promises. 

Rei will trust him to keep this one.

 

* * *

 

It begins with an idea to meet for swimsuit shopping. Of course Rei and Nagisa are hours early—Nagisa’s mistake—but karaoke seems like a good way to pass time. Nagisa falls asleep right in Rei’s lap surrounded by plates of food that Rei didn’t actually mean to order, and looks so peaceful that Rei can’t even get annoyed. He sits and smiles a little when Nagisa curls his body up a little tighter, and then reaches for his own discarded jacket and places it over Nagisa to keep him warm.

 

* * *

 

It begins with the first snow. Rei goes searching for Nagisa after classes let out and finds him plastered to a hallway window, watching the gentle flakes drift down. His breath fogs up the glass with every excited pant. “Rei-chan…” he starts as soon as he notices Rei, and he doesn’t even need to voice his thoughts. 

“We can walk home,” Rei assures him, and watches as Nagisa bundles up in his mittens and earmuffs and scarf that have been stashed in his backpack. He’s been prepared for this for weeks. Luckily, Nagisa’s preparation has meant Rei’s reactionary preparation, so they’re both plenty warm walking side by side as the snow begins to pile up on the grass and sides of the road. Nagisa huffs out his breath to watch it float away like smoke. Rei’s glasses keep getting steamed up until he’s just following the bright yellow blob of Nagisa’s coat. Nagisa catches onto his dilemma after only a few minutes and grabs Rei’s coat sleeve to keep him from wandering off the sidewalk. 

It takes a while to reach Rei’s apartment complex, but the time passes quickly. Or rather, it passes the same, but Rei doesn’t mind spending it. The snow is fluffy and pure, the sounds of the city muffled, the sidewalks mostly clear of other people. Nagisa starts humming to himself as he leads Rei along, and to Rei’s blurry vision, they might as well be the only two people left in town. Possibly the world, if he wants to get dramatic. Nagisa knows the way without Rei having to say a single word. They always seem to end up at Rei’s place. For now, Rei simply accepts Nagisa’s brush-offs that his place is a mess and is filled with too many sisters and not enough snacks. “And your parents love me,” Nagisa always finishes with, which is true. Rei’s parents adore Nagisa. So on the first day of snow, they end up in Rei’s apartment drinking hot chocolate with both his parents once they get home from work. Nagisa is already almost unbearably excited about the upcoming holiday season and chatters nonstop to Rei’s mother about what he wants to buy for each of his sisters. He helps prepare dinner while Rei does homework. (“I’ll get it done later,” Nagisa assures him with a dismissive hand wave.) And of course, he’s the delight of the dinner table, taking that last seat that Rei’s brother has abandoned for university and using it to make Rei’s parents laugh harder than they have all week. So yeah, Rei’s parents adore Nagisa. 

Rei also sort of adores how easily Nagisa is able to make them laugh. It’s not a particular strength of his. 

It’s gotten a bit dark and a bit late for Nagisa to walk the rest of the way home, though it’s his initial plan, but Rei accompanies him to the train and waves back as Nagisa disappears down the track, still a blob of yellow through the window. 

Rei has no one to lead him by the coat on the way home.

 

* * *

 

It begins with a small red box, wrapped with no expertise but lots of enthusiasm, left on his desk the last day before break. Rei’s mostly just glad to have testing done with, but the sight of the box makes his heart skip in an odd way. Rei sits in his seat until the classroom is deserted, until the teacher has given him an odd look and slipped away, until the only other person in the vicinity is the one watching him sneakily from the doorway. Rei tugs on the little ribbon and takes the time to unpeel the wrapping paper carefully. He takes the lid off the box and tips the contents into his hand. 

He’s been pretty sure that Nagisa was going to give him something, which is why his gift in return is waiting in his locker, but of all the things he might have expected Nagisa to give him, he wasn’t expecting...a rock. 

“It’s an adder stone,” Nagisa tells him, slipping through the doorway and coming to peer over Rei’s shoulder. “I found it. On the beach. Apparently they’re called a lot of other things too.” He pokes at the smooth hole that penetrates the glassy rock nearly in the center. “Hag stones and fairy stones and druid stones.” Rei holds the stone up to the light. “I guess some people say you can see into the fairy world or something, but I just thought it was pretty,” Nagisa continues. “But they also say it protects you and brings you luck, so that’s good too, right?” He smiles hard when Rei glances up at him, so hard his eyes close. “It reminded me of you.” 

“What, I have a hole going right through me?” 

“You bring good luck,” Nagisa says instead, and spins away to watch through the window as their fellow students stream out the doors and into freedom. Rei rubs his thumb over the smooth stone, a pleasant light grey in color, and feels the light but reassuring weight of it in his hand. 

“I bring good luck? How do you know?” He drops the stone into its box and carefully does it all up again to keep it safe on the journey home. Nagisa shrugs. 

“Because a lot of good things have happened since I met you. That’s how.” Nagisa huffs against the glass and draws a smiley face on the window. “And also…” He stops and bites at his lip as the smiley face disappears, taps one foot nervously against the floor. “Ah...no...it’s…” Rei waits, but Nagisa doesn’t seem willing to share his thoughts. 

“Shall we go?” he suggests, and stores the box safely in his backpack where it won’t get jostled. Which is just...it’s a rock. But he can’t let it get jostled on the ride home. Nagisa nods and bustles out of the classroom, glad for an excuse to end the conversation. Rei catches up to him down by the lockers, and hides his own present in his pocket as Nagisa gets bundled up and leads them out into the winter air. He’s not sure when he wants to gift it, but surely an opportunity will arise. He’s had that package stuffed in his locker for five days now, just to be ready. 

“Thank you for the adder stone,” he tells Nagisa after they’ve been walking a few minutes, the only sound the crunch of their boots in snow. 

Nagisa looks up at Rei and smiles at him again, but it’s that softer smile that Rei doesn’t know quite as well, that one he doesn’t fully understand. “I found it back in the summer,” he admits in a soft voice, made all the softer by the muffle of snow. “I saw it on the beach and once I did, I just had to see it closer, and once I picked it up, I knew I couldn’t just put it back.” He coughs and looks away from Rei. His cheeks are going slightly pink with the chill. “Then I looked up what stones with holes meant and thought I could give you good luck as a present. But it’s like when you asked why I chose you. Why I wanted you on the swim team.” He chances a glance back up at Rei’s face and shrugs with his shy smile. “I picked you up and couldn’t just put you back down again.” 

Rei blinks, which is his first mistake, because then Nagisa is halfway down the hill calling for him to hurry up. They end up standing side by side on the train, Rei holding onto a rung and Nagisa holding onto Rei’s coat. Not like he can’t reach himself, but Rei stopped caring months ago. It’s far too crowded to pester Nagisa about what he said, and Rei gets the distinct feeling he won’t get much more out of him anyways. When they reach his stop, he tugs Nagisa off the train after him. “Want to walk with me?” he asks, and Nagisa nods while chewing distractedly on his lip. But instead of heading to his apartment, Rei takes Nagisa to a little sweets cafe that’s usually a little too expensive for him, but he doesn’t care when he sees how Nagisa’s eyes light up. They order fancy drinks and a cake to split and sit at a table right by the window. Snow starts falling again while they eat. Rei can’t take too long, or it’ll start getting dark. He clears his throat and takes the hidden present from his pocket and slides it across the table to Nagisa. “Um...so I…”

“Rei-chan!” Nagisa snatches the present up and stares like it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. “Can I open it? Can I open it?” 

Rei reaches across with a napkin and wipes a blob of whipped cream from Nagisa’s nose.

“Well, it  _ is _ for you.” 

Nagisa rolls his eyes but tears away the paper anyway. He lifts up the pair of knit gloves with a gleeful grin. “Ooh, so bright! I won’t lose these!” 

Rei has to roll his eyes as well as Nagisa tugs on the bright yellow gloves. “I’m sure you will. But it’s alright.” 

He’d really tried to put some thought into what Nagisa could use for Christmas. But now, with Nagisa’s confession still echoing in his ears, he distinctly feels like he’s losing to a rock. But Nagisa seems to love the gloves, stuffs his old ones in his pocket and waves goodbye to Rei with both hands when they finally part. Rei gets home and takes the adder stone back out of the box, holds it in his hand and pokes a finger through the little hole that apparently makes this particular stone magic. 

_ I picked you up and couldn’t just put you back down again.  _

Rei presses the adder stone to his chest and squeezes tight. He doesn’t know why his throat feels so tight. 

He doesn’t want to put the rock back down either.

 

* * *

 

It begins with a knock on his door, and his dad calling for Rei to come out of his room, they have company. Nagisa is sitting at the kitchen table rubbing his bright yellow gloves together to shake off the snow. He beams at Rei when he spots him. “Hi! Do you want to do something?” 

“What is ‘something’?” Rei asks cautiously, because he’s learned his lesson here. 

“Ice skating!” Nagisa declares, throwing his arms out wide. “It’s the closest thing we’ll get to a swimming pool for now, right?” He grins at Rei with the absolute conviction there’s no way Rei will turn him down. It’s the same grin he used back when Rei still  _ did _ turn him down, every single time, like if he just kept smiling Rei would finally say yes. And he finally did. Nagisa’s smile hasn’t changed. Rei has. 

“I’ll get my coat,” Rei tells him, and lets his dad know where he’ll be. 

As they take the stairs down to the sidewalk, Nagisa types at his phone as fast as he can. “I’m inviting everyone else,” he explains, and then smiles again. “Didn’t want to plan anything until you said yes.” 

Rei frowns a little and watches as Nagisa puts his yellow gloves back on. “Why?” he asks, and stops up on the step. “Why do I matter so much?” 

What about me is so special you couldn’t put me back down? 

Nagisa stops a few steps down and stares up at Rei with utter confusion. “Rei-chan?” 

“What about me...why do you…?” He doesn’t even know how to put it into words, at least not words that Nagisa will understand. 

When they first met, Rei couldn’t think of a single reason he would want to spend any time in Nagisa’s presence. He was too loud, too enthusiastic, too  _ much _ to fit inside such a short little body. He had no concept of personal space and left Rei’s shoulder wet after falling asleep on him on the train. And yet...and yet Nagisa stayed. He stayed when Rei tried to ignore him, stayed when Rei tried to push him away, stayed even after he found out Rei was a completely useless addition to the swim team. It didn’t seem to matter. Nagisa would stay no matter what. 

Rei is smart, he knows. He’s smart and is fairly athletic. But he wouldn’t have stayed. That’s not the sort of person he is. And now that he’s realizing just how much it means to have someone who will...well…

He wishes he was the sort of person who would stay. 

Nagisa reaches up and clutches at Rei’s sleeve. “It’s okay, Rei-chan. Let’s go skating.” 

It turns out Rei is more naturally inclined to skating than he was to swimming. Nagisa simply breaks down into laughter each time he ends up sprawled on the ice, and requires at least two people or Makoto to get him back on his feet.  “Hold onto me,” Rei sighs after the seventh spill, and offers his elbow. He ends up with Nagisa on one arm and Gou on the other and afterwards Haru treats them all to taiyaki and if he’d never joined the swim club he wouldn’t be here, and he wouldn’t have joined the swim club if it weren’t for Nagisa picking him up and not putting him down again and Rei is beginning to be amazed by how much a single person could alter his life. He munches on his half of a taiyaki and watches the skaters still on the ice and thinks that he might never be happier than this and that’s okay. Nagisa scoots closer on the bench and leans against Rei with a content sigh. He beams up at Rei with cheeks flushed pink with cold when Rei glances down at him, and Rei’s chest feels sort of tight. Thank you for staying, he wants to say. But he settles for lifting an arm and letting Nagisa tuck closer to keep warm.

 

* * *

 

It begins with a stone, turned over and over and over in his hands. It’s beautiful in its simplicity, Rei decides, and places it under his pillow to sleep.

 

* * *

 

It begins with the off season, where club activities are cut down by 80 percent due to lack of pool. Despite initial hopes, Goro Sasabe’s pool will take at least several months over the winter to complete renovations. The team might run some laps if the track isn’t slippery with packed snow, sometimes go over exercises to keep the right muscles in shape, but it’s half-hearted. They all just long to be in the water again. 

Haru and Makoto rather naturally drift off to be by themselves, so most days without the club holding them together, Rei is surrounded by Nagisa and Gou and Gou’s friend Hana during school hours, and then his time off is entirely dominated by Nagisa. In a good way. Rei’s always found winter a rather depressing season, but it’s hard to remain curled in his blankets bemoaning the cold when Nagisa is sitting on the end of his bed reading his favorite parts of a manga outloud. And then browsing Rei’s bookshelves searching for something interesting. 

“This is why you sank so much at the start,” he declares one day, waving a book on swimming in the air. “Too much stuff in your head.” 

Rei snorts and moves to save his book from Nagisa’s hand. It’s one of the books on swimming he’d purchased in a panic right after joining the club. “I don’t think that was the problem.” 

Nagisa spins where he sits and looks up at Rei with a slight smile. “Well, you’re just sitting on your bed and I know you’re just thinking and thinking more and then when it’s spring again all you’ll do is sink!” 

Rei smacks him lightly on the head with his book. “Why are you here, Nagisa-kun? You usually have some sort of plan.” Karaoke or skating or just walking downtown, Nagisa generally has an agenda. Some sort of adventure. Now he grins mischievously and drags a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket. 

“This!” 

Rei takes the paper and stares at the recipe printed there, obviously taken from a magazine, judging by the perfection of the frosted cat faces. “Cookies?”

“Yup!” Nagisa jumps to his feet in one graceful motion. “Can we go buy ingredients?” 

Rei studies the list of ingredients. Unsurprisingly, these are going to be some very indulgent and very involved cookies. “These will  _ definitely _ make us sink in the spring.”  

“Aw, Rei-chan…” Nagisa says, latching onto Rei’s arm and pulling him towards the door, “It’s an adventure. A baking adventure!”

A baking adventure, as it turns out, involves an hour to and from the nearest grocer, trying to pick out the best ingredients. Nagisa had quickly taken care of the frosting and little candies for decoration. Rei is more concerned with what sort of flour will work best for their purpose. Nagisa tells him just to go with the cheapest option but if Rei is going to do this, he’s doing it right. He consults the man behind the counter and shows him the recipe just so there’s no misunderstandings. In the end, he’s quite happy with what they walk out of there with, ingredients safe and sound in environmentally friendly reusable bags. But once those same ingredients are sitting on his counter, he really has no idea what to do. 

“A big mixing bowl!” Nagisa takes charge. “And measuring cups! And a whisk!” He laughs and starts going through the drawers. “Aha! A whisk!” 

Rei scrambles to find the other things they need, which Nagisa calls out at random intervals as they come to him. “Baking sheets! And drying racks! Wow, you have a really nice kitchen.” 

“My dad used to bake a lot,” Rei explains, before bonking his head on the bottom of a drawer. “But then he picked up more hours at work and...you know.” 

Nagisa peers at Rei over a baking sheet and nods. “Will he be happy if he comes home and we baked for him?” 

Rei stands and glances at the clock. “If we have wonderful cookies ready and the kitchen is clean, then yes. Definitely. But we only have a few hours.” 

“Pff. Easy,” Nagisa scoffs. 

Actually, it is not easy. It is not easy at all. They have to scrap everything and start over completely 45 minutes in when the first batch turns out a smoking mess, and then they can’t agree on what constitutes a handful, or a pinch, or how packed the flour needs to be, and then Rei gives up and tells Nagisa to just measure however the heck he wants and they both work silently and sulkily across the counter from each other before Nagisa pushes the bag of flour over and hands Rei the measuring cup. 

“You do the measuring. You’re better at that math stuff,” he mumbles, and Rei stares at the cup for a moment before taking it. Really, how sad is it they can’t get through baking cookies without an argument? Or is this one of those things like putting wallpaper up that is designed to test bonds?

“You’re...probably more creative with decorating. How about you decorate, and I’ll keep putting batches in the oven?” he suggests, and Nagisa cheers up immediately, whipping up frosting in all sorts of colors while Rei finishes carefully measuring and shaping the first batch of cookies, using the special cat-shaped cutter they’d bought. Nagisa doesn’t really wait the ten minutes for the cookies to cool before coloring those cats all sorts of unnatural colors, but they still turn out...well, sort of cute. With stripes and polka dots and sprinkles for eyes and noses, all applied with more care than Rei thought Nagisa would use. Once the last batch of cookies is safely baking, Nagisa convinces Rei to decorate at least a few. Rei opts for a safe white, with two little candies for eyes and a nose and mouth done as carefully as he can with the pink frosting and a toothpick. It looks a little boring compared to the purple and green cat faces lying to dry on every available flat surface of the kitchen, but Nagisa applauds it nevertheless and Rei’s stomach flip-flops in a pleasant way. Why Nagisa’s praise matters so much he has no clue. It’s just cookies.

They don’t exactly have the kitchen cleaned up by the time his dad and mom get home from work, but by then it doesn’t matter. They are the masters of mutant cat cookies, and sometimes that requires sacrifices. Such as clean counters. Nagisa and Rei’s mother finish the last of the cats while Rei helps his dad clear as much space as possible to rush up some dinner, and Rei finds himself laughing at the sheer absurdity that his life has become. His mom smears green frosting on the end of his nose and his father flicks flour into his mom’s hair in retaliation and Nagisa grins so wide his eyes close when Rei looks his way during the laughter and everything is just so very good. Rei wants to snapshot it and keep this moment forever, details never fading from memory. He could say he wishes it would never end, if he were being particularly dramatic. But for all winter is dreary and miserable, it houses days like this, and it seems impossible now for the cold to drag him down, with his heart beating so warm and fast. 

Once the snow begins to melt and spring whispers in the breeze, Rei misses the days with him and Nagisa and endless possibilities. 


	2. Chapter 2

It begins with the pool. Cleaned, top to bottom. It’s hard work and gross and they’re once again stuck on the idea of how to get more members. Rei would prefer something more orthodox than just telling Nagisa to have at it. After all, they’ll be the ones in charge of the swim club once Haru and Makoto are gone. It will be so much easier if they can initiate new members this year while the upperclassmen are still around to teach. Not that Nagisa wasn’t a patient teacher when Rei needed it, but obviously Rei is the least capable person on the team of showing someone how to swim. It would be a complete embarrassment. 

Nagisa seems a little quieter than usual heading home. Rei’s given up on ever trying to read Nagisa’s mind. He just stands there in the train and lets Nagisa hold onto his arm for stability. Nagisa gets off with Rei at his station instead of continuing to his own station, but lingers on the sidewalk instead of following Rei home. 

“Nagisa-kun?” Rei is finally forced to ask, backtracking to where Nagisa stands scuffing the toe of his shoe against the cement. “Is something wrong?” He reaches and takes Nagisa’s wrist, lifts his hand, just to let him know that Rei is here, Rei is listening.

Nagisa tilts his head back and forth a few times and hums. “I guess...next year is you and me and Gou-chan, huh?” 

“Yes,” Rei agrees quietly. “And anyone else who might join.” 

“I guess,” Nagisa says, and then gives Rei a gentle smile before turning and heading back toward the train station. His wrist slips from Rei’s grasp without contest. 

Rei stays and watches him disappear. Nagisa never looks back.

 

* * *

 

It begins with a race. The appearance of this Sousuke has Rei’s stomach in knots. As wonderful as it had felt to do the relay with his team— _ his  _ team _ — _ the way he’d seen Sousuke and Haru eyeing each other by the pool is completely unsettling, and suddenly Rei is a little worried about the upcoming season. Which is awful because he’s been building up excitement over it for over six months. 

He knows Nagisa picked up on that brief exchange, because Nagisa is a lot of more aware of other people than he lets on, even if his anxiety doesn’t manifest in the same way Rei’s does. The way he studies Haru now reminds him of the way Nagisa watches Rin sometimes, during joint practices or simple hangouts. Rin had been like Nagisa’s older brother, once upon a time, Makoto had once confided in Rei when he’d been caught watching the two of them. They’d lost that. Rei wishes there was something he could do to mend that rift, but for now all he can do is reach over to place a hand on Nagisa’s knee. Nagisa shifts his gaze to Rei’s hand, and then his eyes travel up Rei’s arm to his face. Nagisa smiles sadly and scoots a little closer to Rei on the floor. Seeking silent comfort. Today, Rei is more than willing to provide. “It’ll will be fine, right?” Nagisa asks him later. Rei shrugs. Nagisa has known Haru for far longer than him, and Rei knows nothing of Sousuke. But that shrug doesn’t help Nagisa at all. He wears a slight frown the rest of the day, and doesn’t do much more than wave when Rei gets off the train. 

Rei wishes he could phone Nagisa up that night and tell him not to worry so much, but that would be unfair. Nagisa was the one who started the swim club again, the one who brought them together. Of course he has the right to worry. Rei just wishes there was something he could do to help.

 

* * *

 

It begins with the urge to be something better. Maybe it’s to prove to the others that he’s earned this spot on the team, that he belongs here,  _ he is good enough _ . Maybe it’s because everyone is talking about individual events to enter this season and Rei’s still stuck at one, even though Makoto will be swimming freestyle and Nagisa is babbling about butterfly. Maybe it’s because the threat of next year is caught in the back of his mind and Rei knows he needs to step up and be able to help Nagisa manage the team. Maybe it’s because Nagisa latches onto his shoulder and assures Rei that he’s not the same as he used to be, that he could swim any stroke he wanted! Rei’s not entirely sure what the reason is. But he just embarrasses himself trying to swim for the others, despite his extensive study of theory, and then Haru is telling him not to worry about it and Rei feels like such a lost cause he can barely look any of them in the eye for the rest of practice. For the next few days, actually.

He has to get better. Funny enough, after debating the issue for a few hours, he decides to ask Rin for help. The original source of his insecurity, sure, but Rei is also sure that Rin will keep this under wraps, and he also has access to an indoor pool. 

He feels a little guilty brushing Nagisa off after school, but Nagisa will be so happy and surprised when Rei unveils his newfound swimming prowess Rei is sure his cold shoulder will be forgiven. This is for Nagisa, in a way. To help the both of them keep the club alive.

The rest of the team starts acting very strange, although he’s so busy it takes him a little while to notice. Something in the water? He can feel them watching him at times, and when he looks their way, none of them make eye contact. Not even Nagisa, who is never embarrassed at being caught staring. And then Gou corners him after school with half the library in her arms, blabbering about love, of all things. Rei laughs it off. Him in love? Absurd. As if he would ever be taken in by something as illogical as love! And like he would even have time for love, with his studies and the swim club and his friendship with Nagisa. His agenda is already full. But then she starts questioning where he’s been after school and Rei has to beat a hasty retreat before he’s discovered. 

He thinks nothing more of it until he’s pulled before the club for an  _ intervention  _ at Haru’s house, and then Rei realizes how colossally he might have been screwing up. 

He can’t even catch on at first. They’re all talking nonsense about mackerel, and he can tell they don’t actually want to bring up what this is really about. Rei tries to make his excuses and leave, but there’s a great outcry and suddenly Nagisa is latched to his pant leg. 

_ “Don’t quit the swim club,”  _ he pleads. 

How could they think he’s leaving the swim team? Rei can’t even imagine it now. He’s working so hard just to show them how committed he is! He has no interest in the track team, none at all, no matter what they might have assumed. But he can’t tell them that he’s actually been practicing with Rin. That would be humiliating, and so close to when he’s sure he can show off all he’s learned. So he makes his excuses and tries to get out. If he were actually thinking of quitting, he’s sure he would change his mind right now anyway, listening to everyone beg him to stay. 

And then Nagisa jumps forward once more, clenches his hands in Rei’s shirt. Trying to pull Rei back, keep him close. He won’t look Rei in the eye as he speaks, voice growing louder and louder with every word, frantic. “We all promised, didn’t we? That the four of us would swim the relay together. You said you’d show us your beautiful butterfly stroke at Nationals!” He ends in a shout, and then stands there, hands shaking, and Rei has to stop. Pause. Wonder at this room with so many people who care so much about him. And none, he knows with complete certainty, as much as Nagisa. He never thought he’d ever have anything like that. 

His hands land on Nagisa’s shoulders. Maybe if they were alone Rei would act differently, take Nagisa’s hand perhaps, or raise his chin up, because there’s simply something more when it’s just him and Nagisa, but they aren’t alone, so he sticks to the shoulders. Anything else he’s sure will be taken the wrong way. What way they could take it that would be wrong he’s not sure but Rei’s been confused enough himself the last few weeks. Confused as to why he wants to take Nagisa’s hands, hold them tight in his own, maybe even initiate a hug, if it gets Nagisa to stop looking at him like Rei is personally taking a sledgehammer to his entire world. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” Rei wants to whisper, but he can’t do that either. So instead his thumbs rub slightly on the fabric of Nagisa’s vest as he speaks. “There’s no way I could ever quit the swim club,” he tells them all, although what he really means is ‘there’s no way I could ever leave all of you’. He hopes Nagisa understands what he really means. By the way Nagisa’s face lights up, Rei thinks so.

But he’s going to be late so Rei takes advantage of the team’s momentary relief to rush out the door. It bothers him to have to walk out on them again so quickly, but Rin will be waiting. He has no choice. But Rei calls Nagisa that night, when he’s already wrapped up in bed. 

“Rei-chan?” Nagisa answers with a yawn. 

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” It’s way too early for Nagisa to be in bed. 

“Hmm? No, I was playing a game.” There’s a rustling sound, and then footsteps. Hopefully Nagisa making the migration to his bed. “Is something wrong, Rei-chan?” 

“Well, I…” Rei stops. Is there something wrong? He’d felt like there was, earlier, but Nagisa is acting like the whole scene never happened. “I wanted to tell you again that I’m not leaving the swim club. You believe me, right?” 

Nagisa yawns again, but his response after is a lot more chipper than Rei would have expected. “Yeah, I believe you now. Noooo worries.” 

“Oh. Okay.” Rei rolls over in bed and holds his phone a little closer to his ear. “You...you’re okay? You seemed upset earlier.” 

“Mm-mm. I understand now.” Nagisa’s voice warms. “Thank you for calling me though. I was a little worried before I saw...before you told me you weren’t leaving.” 

“I’m sorry for worrying you,” Rei says, curling his legs up to his chest beneath the covers. He wishes he’d known just how upset Nagisa had been. There had to be some way he could have done this without worrying everyone. He never wants to be the cause of that sort of expression on Nagisa’s face ever again. He holds the phone to his ear and listens to the sounds of Nagisa no doubt getting into bed. Nagisa sighs happily and there’s the sound of many blankets all shuffling together. Apparently Nagisa likes to burrow, though Rei might die before he actually sees Nagisa’s room for himself. “Nagisa-kun?” he asks after a moment.

“Yes?”

“Please let me know if I’m worrying you, okay?” Rei shuts his eyes against the light of his screen. “I don’t want to worry you ever, but if I don’t know I’m doing it, then I can’t stop. So...tell me next time?” 

Nagisa hums an agreement. “Okay, Rei-chan. I will.”

Rei presses his face into the pillow and sighs so Nagisa won’t hear him. That isn’t what he wants. He’s not sure what he wants. Something...more? Something better?

The problem, he thinks, is that he’s never had friends before. It was something that concerned his parents for a few grades and then finally gave up on since his playdates only ever ended with each participant clinging to their mother’s leg and refusing to make eye contact. He’d just never gotten the hang of friends, and then gotten the hang of being alone. And when he’d gotten the hang of being alone, he got the hang of being  _ left _ alone. Books were more interesting than nine year old gossip, his own elaborate fantasy worlds filled with more adventure and intrigue. He was a mage, a king, a gold medal athlete, a spy, a mad scientist, an astronaut, and above all, he was alone. That was how it worked. 

Until he was a stone on the beach, picked up and never put back down. And now he has a whole team of friends suddenly part of his world and he has no clue what he’s supposed to do with them. When they’re happy, it’s easy. Or, easier, at least. He can smile and laugh and share popsicles and let Nagisa sleep on his shoulder and somehow it gets easier and easier by the day. But he’d never thought his actions over the last few weeks would make the team think he was quitting. He never knew he was making Nagisa worry so much. 

The fact he was able to make Nagisa so miserable without even realizing is a little frightening. He doesn’t know how to take care of friends, not really. What happens when he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and someone gets hurt in a way that can’t be fixed? What then? He’s not capable enough to handle the responsibility of other people’s feelings. 

“I want to be good,” he whispers, and turns his face back out of the pillow. “Nagisa-kun, I want to be...good to you.” 

“Rei-chan?” 

He shouldn’t have said that aloud. 

“Rei-chan, just tell me,” Nagisa orders quietly after a few seconds, as if he knows Rei is lying there silently freaking out. He probably does. Nagisa is much better at the whole ‘friends’ concept. “I’ll tell you when I’m upset, I promise,” Nagisa adds. “You don’t need to worry so much.” 

Am I being good? Am I doing this right? Rei can’t ask those kinds of questions. He’d feel ridiculous.

“Rei-chan…” Nagisa prompts, and Rei squeezes his eyes shut. 

“I just...don’t want our relationship to be one-sided.” 

Nagisa doesn’t reply for a long moment, and Rei keeps his eyes closed tight. “Why would it be one-sided?” Nagisa finally asks, sounding genuinely confused. 

Rei risks opening one eye at a time. One. Two. “Well...I just...you…” He flails and falters, words sputtering out. “I don’t know,” he admits at last. “I...I don’t know how to say it.” 

“Mm-kay.” Nagisa sounds like he’s smiling. Has that warmth to his voice. “Well, then you can just tell me when you figure it out. But nothing is one-sided, okay? You’re good. You don’t need to worry.” He yawns. “ And I don’t need to worry, because you’re not leaving, so everything is okay. Right?” 

Rei smiles. How like Nagisa to simplify things like that. Okay. He will work on the right words to express his feelings some day. “Right. I should let you sleep.” 

“No worrying.”

“No worrying.” 

“See you tomorrow.” 

“Sleep well.” Rei ends the conversation and places his phone on his nightstand. He tosses a little under the blankets, but staying awake tonight won’t give him answers. He reaches for the stone beneath his pillow, and then spends five minutes searching for where it’s ended up before he finds it tucked between the bed and the wall. He rolls it between his hands and smooths his thumb across the surface, and finally places it atop his phone. He feels better having touched it. Maybe well enough to sleep.

 

* * *

 

It begins with pool water in his eyes. He took his goggles off too quickly, eager to see the reactions from the crowd. Taking the goggles off, of course, didn’t help at all because now he’s just staring at colorful blobs for validation, but he heard them cheering while he swam. He did it. He did good. 

They don’t head home right after practice ends. Instead, the five of them as a team drift to a park near the school, and Makoto spots them change for a drink from the vending machine. Makoto and Haru occupy the swings, Rei and Gou the lower rungs of the jungle gym, and Nagisa a horse on a spring. Rei watches as Nagisa drinks his milk and rocks gently back and forth, still feeling all warm in his chest from everyone’s praise. Nagisa meets his eyes and Rei starts and begins to look away, but Nagisa just beams at him and then goes back to his milk. It’s a silent, perfect moment, and Rei sort of wishes he could stay here forever.

 

* * *

 

It begins with a car ride. Ama-sensei’s car is rickety and ancient, jolts whenever she accelerates, and feels prone to fall apart at any second as she veers along coastal roads at twice the legal speed limit. The backseat currently resembles more a can of sardines than three high school boys, and Rei is sure he’s going to have a permanent imprint of the door on his right side from being pushed so hard against it, if he doesn’t brain himself with his own knee first. Makoto, thankfully placed in the passenger’s seat instead of with the rest of them, keeps sending apologetic looks back every few seconds in a way that might give him a neck problem, but Rei can’t complain, not really. Ama-sensei had no obligation to drive them, and there are more important things to focus on than a few traffic violations. 

Nagisa sniffs and wipes his nose with his sleeve, and Rei can feel how Nagisa is still shuddering with the aftershocks of crying as he tries to calm down. Haru’s arm around Nagisa’s shoulder tightens, and his hand brushes against Rei’s arm every few seconds. It had been a little odd, watching Haru pull Nagisa to him when they’d first clambered into the car, since he’s always seemed neutral on Nagisa’s tackle-first-ask-permission-later strategy, but Rei isn’t that surprised. Nagisa is like a little brother to Haru and Makoto, he knows that. Of course they want to do anything to comfort him right now. 

Rei would do anything to help, if only he knew how. 

He just sits, with anger stirring in his stomach towards these people he’s never met before, parents who made their son cry. It hasn’t happened often, but he’s already seen Nagisa cry too much for this lifetime. 

He might feel a little hurt, too, that Nagisa hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him what was going on. But he can’t let that show. The last thing they need is Nagisa feeling guilty about something that trivial. Maybe Rei can just focus on slowing his heartbeat. It’s been thudding nonstop in his ears ever since he got the phone call saying Nagisa had run away. 

Ama-sensei makes another tight turn, and they’re all sliding to the right, squishing Rei even more forcibly against the door. Nagisa tenses up as they round the corner, and Rei guesses they’re getting close to where he lives, as the car zips past the neighborhood sign and down a road lined with brightly lit houses. At the next intersection, Ama-sensei applies the brakes and the car squeals like a dying animal—which might justify the lack of braking until now—before it shudders to a stop. “Hazuki-kun?” she asks, but Nagisa doesn’t answer. Makoto twists around in the front seat again and makes eye contact with Haru, who nods and then leans down in his seat so his face is equal to Nagisa’s, and his arm goes a little tighter around Nagisa’s shoulders. 

“Nagisa,” he says softly, “Which way to your house?” 

It takes a few seconds, but Nagisa gives another sniffle and glances up through the front window. “Left. Then right. And then the third house on the right.” That done, his head drops back down and he gains an intense fascination with the stitching on his vest. Ama-sensei nods, and the car rattles into motion, rattles down the street, rattles left, rattles right. Nagisa starts picking at the threads of his vest and, before he’s really thought this through, Rei reaches out and lays a hand on top of Nagisa’s, stilling his nervous motion. Nagisa stops, and slowly turns his head so he can see Rei. His eyes are all red-rimmed, his skin is blotchy and all he’s probably eaten for the last two days is mackerel and Rei just  _ aches _ , deep down in his chest. It’s the ache that has him slowly flipping over Nagisa’s hand and threading their fingers together, clutching tight. The same way he remembers Nagisa holding his hand, the night he’d almost drowned off the island. He just wants to give some of the same comfort, the support, the security. Make Nagisa understand that Rei is  _ here _ and wants to help however he can, wants to be the hand Nagisa can always reach out for because maybe that’s what the words that express his feelings are. He squeezes his fingers and, after a moment, Nagisa squeezes back and slowly drops his head onto Rei’s shoulder. Rei shuts his eyes and tries to focus on the warmth of Nagisa’s body beside his. The entire way to Haru’s house he’d been gripped with some strange terror that if he didn’t get there fast enough, Nagisa might be gone by the time he did. Completely irrational, but the idea that Nagisa might suddenly disappear had kept his legs pumping, his lungs heaving, trying so desperately to get there in time. 

The car squeals again to a stop. “Is this your house?” Ama-sensei asks quietly, and Nagisa lifts his head from Rei’s shoulder. 

“Yeah.”

“Alright.” Rei opens his eyes as Ama-sensei kicks her door out and steps onto the road, followed by Makoto and then Haru, who both briefly struggle with their own doors before copying the kicking method. Rei stares out the window and studies the house, sleek and white and neat. A blind twitches in the window and Rei knows there’s not much time. Nagisa starts to slide out after Haru, but his hand linked in Rei’s halts him. He looks at their hands, then to Rei’s face, then back to their hands. 

“Rei-chan…”

Nagisa had looked so small at the edge of the pool, tears dripping onto the tiles. Rei longs for afternoon train rides pressed together on the seat, for popsicles and barefoot walks on the beach. That would stop the aching, wouldn’t it? 

This is what he’d been afraid of. He’s known Nagisa for over a year now, and yet he couldn’t stop any of this. He’s not good enough to be his friend. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, and lets go of Nagisa’s hand. “I’m so sorry.” 

Nagisa frowns and tilts his head in confusion, but then Haru is reaching back into the car, pulling at Nagisa’s vest as the front door of the house opens and before Rei knows it, Nagisa is engulfed in his mother’s arms and Rei wonders if that would be enough. If he could just hold Nagisa to him like that, remind himself over and over again that Nagisa is alright, and he’s here, and he’s not going anywhere, maybe then he could feel something other than this horrible pain in his chest.

 

* * *

 

It begins with a shopping trip. Nagisa laughs and chatters as usual, but now Rei understands that he can’t tell when Nagisa’s smile is real or not. 

That’s something he should be able to do. Or at least he should be someone Nagisa doesn’t think he always has to smile for. 

“Your swimsuit is getting a bit small,” Nagisa remarks as they pass by the sports store. “Want to look around?” 

Rei shrugs and follows Nagisa into the store. Nagisa is very intent in his search for a new swimsuit. The old one  _ is _ getting a bit small, a product of a recent growth spurt, but this is his first solo outing with Nagisa since he ran away and Rei’s stomach is a tangle of barbed wire. He studies Nagisa’s smile from every angle, trying to figure out if it’s faked. It’s real. It’s real, isn’t it? No way Nagisa could laugh like this if things were terrible. Right? 

“Rei-chan!” 

He’s drawn back into present time. Nagisa is holding two swimsuits up to him. “We’d match!” he says with delight, and then giggles and puts the larger one back on the rack. “Actually, I could use a new suit too.”

“Your sisters run out of donations?” Rei asks, a grin working its way onto his face, and Nagisa wrinkles his nose at him. 

“They’re cute.” 

“I’m not saying they aren’t.” Actually, he might have, the first time Nagisa showed Rei his collection, but now it’s just another part of Nagisa that is bewildering but also endearing. “Are you going to try that on?” He nods at the suit in Nagisa’s hands, and Nagisa examines the material for a moment before nodding. 

“Yup. I’ll be changing.” He marches off towards the changing booths. Rei watches him go, the wire in his stomach stirring once again. His eyes land on the suit Nagisa had discarded. It’s Rei’s size, perfectly. Rei frowns a little, and then grabs it off the rack. Nagisa is already changing when Rei catches up, and it’s a struggle to pull off his shoes and clothes quickly enough. Everything goes in a heap on the floor and Rei’s just yanking the suit up to his waist when he hears the curtain next door slide open. Nagisa hums to himself, and then Rei practically falls out of the booth in his hurry. Nagisa startles a little, staring at Rei with confusion, and Rei can feel his face going red even as he gestures down at his swimsuit. 

“We match.” 

The smile that stretches ear to ear is in no way fake. It can’t be. “We match!” Nagisa repeats and beams up at Rei like he personally just achieved world peace. He bounces a little from foot to foot and then shuffles up next to Rei. “People can barely tell us apart,” he whispers with a straight expression, and Rei snorts into his fist. 

“Actually, it fits pretty well.” 

Nagisa nods and scans Rei up and down. “Yeah, it does.” He coughs a little and tugs a bit at the hem of his own suit. “Mine too. You wanna…” 

“You want to have matching swimsuits?” Rei beats him to the punch, and Nagisa just smiles again and nods. Rei is more than willing to cough up the cash for that smile. 

After wandering out of the sports store and into a bookstore, toy shop, and through the food stands outside, they head towards a park with ice creams in hand. There’s a vacant bench beneath the shade of the trees and Nagisa feeds bits of his waffle cone to the seagulls in between his own bites. Rei watches silently until Nagisa is out of both ice cream and cone, and then offers his own empty cone as well. 

“You’re staring, Rei-chan,” Nagisa says softly as he tosses a bit of cone to a seagull near the back of the mob that’s formed at their feet. Rei clears his throat and casts his eyes to the trees instead. 

“Sorry.” 

“It’s fine. I don’t care. But I wanted you to know I knew.”

“Oh.” Rei bites at his lip and drums a rhythm on his knees. There’ll really never be a better time to bring this up, but he hates disturbing their pleasant afternoon like this. “Nagisa-kun…” Well, he might as well be blunt. “Why didn’t you tell me, about your parents, and your grades? I would have tutored you if you’d said anything.” 

Nagisa frowns, and then sighs and tosses the rest of the cone in one big chunk for the seagulls to fight over. “I didn’t want you to worry. That’s all.” 

Rei’s eyes return to Nagisa’s face. “But I did worry. A lot. Hearing that you’d run away from home scared me...so much, Nagisa-kun. So much.” 

Nagisa blinks slowly and turns his head to meet Rei’s gaze. He looks confused more than anything. 

“And I’m still worrying now,” Rei admits. “Because you hid something from me like that, and I had no idea.” He sighs and rubs at his temple. “You said...you said that we aren’t one-sided. But if you don’t tell me when you’re hurting like that, then aren’t we completely one-sided?” The seagulls squawking is making this conversation much more difficult. Rei stares at the birds and then stands. He grabs their bags and Nagisa’s hand in one fluid motion. “Sorry, I just...need quiet.” 

The seagulls trail after Nagisa for a while but by the time they’ve reached the pond the birds have lost interest. Rei tugs Nagisa to the ground beside him, a patch of clover and grass bathed in summer sun. “Rei-chan…” Nagisa murmurs, and Rei nods, holding up a hand to ask for just a moment to collect himself. He doesn’t let go of Nagisa’s hand though. It feels better, having him anchored to him. 

“I was so scared,” Rei mutters after a few minutes. “I was so scared, Nagisa-kun, you won’t believe...well, maybe you will believe, but I thought...I thought that something awful could have happened to you. Something worse than leaving the swim club.”

“I’m fine though, Rei-chan.” Nagisa squeezes his hand reassuringly. 

“I know that now. But, that night, all I could think about was you getting hurt, or disappearing for good, and...and…” Rei shuts his eyes and turns his face to the sun. “I’m not good at looking after other people. I know that. I know I’m...difficult sometimes, but I want to be able to be there for you. And I want you to be there for me. I want...I want…” He pushes his glasses back into place. “I want us to be good, I guess? I don’t know if I’m saying this right, I’m probably just being confusing and—”

“Rei-chan,” Nagisa cuts him off, and lifts their hands between them, still squeezing tight. Rei looks back down at Nagisa’s sad smile. “I understand. And you’re not difficult.” He laughs a little. “I’m the one who’s difficult. I bullied you into joining the swim club, and now you have to tutor me too. I’m a hassle.” 

“No.” Rei has to rip his hand out of Nagisa’s to cross his arms. “You’re not a hassle. At all.”

Nagisa shrugs. “It’s okay. I know I am, sometimes. That’s why I didn’t tell you what was going on. I just…” He sighs and draws his knees up to his chest, staring out across the pond. A few people pass over the bridge on the opposite side, the sound of their conversation an indistinct chatter. “I just got used to hiding things, I guess. Or maybe I just got used to pretending things in my life are okay, because then I don’t have to deal with them.” He turns his head towards Rei and smiles again, an empty gesture. “It’s so much easier worrying about you or Haru-chan or Mako-chan or anyone else than it is worrying about myself. If I told you, that would have made it real. So I didn’t tell you. I didn’t tell anyone.”

Rei hates that fake smile. “Then I want you to be a hassle,” he says, and reaches to grab Nagisa’s knee. “Please, hassle me. When you’re sad, or scared, or when you’re hiding things. I want to know. I want to be there and I want to help you.” 

Nagisa’s smile morphs into a slight frown, a vulnerable turn of his mouth. 

“And I want you to be there for me, in return,” Rei continues, voice dropping. “That’s how I want us to be.” He sends Nagisa as much of a grin as he can. “I want us to be hassles for each other. That’s what being friends is, isn’t it?” He slowly withdraws his hand from Nagisa’s knee and clears his throat. Nagisa just stares at him until Rei can feel his cheeks going pink. “What is it? Did I say something wrong?” 

Nagisa shakes his head. “No. Nothing wrong. Just...are you sure?” He presses his lips together hard and Rei realizes that tears are gathering in his eyes. “Are you sure you want that with me?” He sniffs and wipes his eyes on his t-shirt. “Sorry. Sorry, I don’t mean to cry. I guess I just...forgot.” 

“Forgot what?” 

Nagisa shrugs again and looks across the pond. “How to be a friend again, I think.” He breathes out slowly and pushes a hand through his hair. “I didn’t have any at the prep school I went to. I wasn’t interested. I got used to not having anyone. And then I came to Iwatobi, and Haru-chan and Mako-chan and Gou-chan were there and I realized how lonely I’d been without them. And then I met you.” He chuckles a little and drops his face into his folded legs. “And you just reminded me of me, used to being alone. And I thought that if I just kept trying, eventually you’d stop pushing me away, because nobody actually wants to be lonely.” He turns his face a little so he can see Rei. “And now I think if I lost you, Rei-chan, I would be so lonely I’d die.” 

Rei swallows down any words that might have been on his tongue and stares into Nagisa’s teary eyes. “You forgot how to be a friend?” he asks, and Nagisa nods and hides his face again. 

“Yeah. My sister told me I was trying way too hard, but I didn’t know any other way to try. Sorry.” 

Rei coughs to clear his throat and mumbles, “Well, I...I needed someone who would try really hard, so it turned out alright.” 

“I guess.” Nagisa says into his knees.

Rei scoots closer in the grass until their arms brush. “So? Will you tell me next time you have a problem? Will you be my hassle?” 

Nagisa raises his face and laughs a little before he tilts his head onto Rei’s shoulder, at the perfect convenient height. “I’ll be your hassle. And you’ll be mine.” 

“Perfect,” Rei agrees, and they stare across the pond for a few moments of quiet. Rei’s chest feels sort of strange again, like his heart is too big for his ribcage all of a sudden. He wonders if this some sort of medical condition, but Nagisa stops his fretting with a happy sigh.

“We have to present these matching suits to the rest of the team, you know? Just to show off how cool we are, the matching suit club.”

It’s Rei’s turn to laugh, but Nagisa’s voice is contemplative, not joking, and Rei knows that sometime soon he’ll be modelling his new swimsuit in front of all the others. And he won’t even mind.  

 

* * *

 

It begins with Nagisa’s hands slamming against the side of the pool at Prefecturals. First in his heat, past the prelims. Then Makoto in backstroke. Then Rei. Then Haru. Each of them, past the preliminaries. It begins to look like they might actually have a shot at Nationals, and Rei burns with pride that he lifts the team with his swimming instead of dragging it down. 

Even if they lose the relay and spend the next few weeks training to catch up to Samezuka, the pride still burns. 

 

* * *

 

It begins with numbers. Nagisa follows Rei home making endless promises about studying as hard as he can, but it’s not a half hour of mathematics before Nagisa is trying to escape to browse Rei’s bookshelves for something more interesting. 

“Math is boring,” he says simply when Rei reaches to grab his vest, and swings his hips to the side so Rei misses completely. “There’s always only one answer and that’s so boring.” 

The whole reason Rei likes math is the one answer part of things. “So what do you want to study, then?” 

“Hmm. Nothing, really.” Nagisa plays with one of Rei’s trophies. “What will you do after high school, Rei-chan?” 

Rei’s eyes widen. Not that he hasn’t been waiting for this topic to come up, what with Haru and Makoto both struggling to figure out their futures, but, well...he’d never really thought about what to give as an answer. “I...go to university, of course.”

“For what?” 

“What?”

Nagisa forgets the trophy and flops onto the floor. “What do you want to go to university for? Math? Science? What about after that? What do you want to do with your life?” 

Rei sets down his pencil. “Okay, what’s going on? Why this all of a sudden?” 

Nagisa sighs, staring straight up at the ceiling from his position on the floor. “We’ll be worrying about it too, soon enough. And you’re the kind of person who has these things figured out.” 

Rei gives up on his homework altogether and crawls across the floor to Nagisa’s side. “I might know what I want to do at university, but with today’s shifting economy, it would be foolish to pin my future on a specific career that may not exist in another five years.” 

Nagisa laughs, loud and sudden, and puts a hand over his eyes. “That’s so you, Rei-chan.” 

Rei frowns. “What? Like a bad thing?” 

Nagisa fans his fingers so he can watch Rei from between them. “No, it’s a good thing. It’s such a Rei-chan sort of answer. You’re you. And that’s good.” He sits up very suddenly and glances back towards the table where they were working. “Any sort of university you go to would be way too good for me.” 

Rei’s stomach flips. “That’s not true.” 

“It is.” Nagisa shrugs. “It’s okay, you don’t have to lie.” 

Rei turns his face away and scowls. He’s been looking forward to university his entire life. Why should the thought of going now leave a sour taste in his mouth? He watches from the corner of his eye as Nagisa returns to the table and begins doodling on his math worksheet. “Nagisa-kun?” he calls after a few minutes, and moves to sit at Nagisa’s side. Nagisa watches him carefully, face devoid of emotion, which is what tells Rei that there is indeed a lot of emotion he’s hiding right now. Rei grabs a pencil and points to the last problem Nagisa had been stuck on. “Let’s worry about exams before we worry about the rest of our lives,” he says, and waits for Nagisa’s small smile of agreement before they begin to work.

Rei doesn’t know what’s brought this sudden anxiety on, but it keeps him up later thinking about it than he would want to admit. What does he want to do with his life? Really, he only has three answers right now. One, he wants to go to university. Two, he wants to go to Nationals with the team. Three, he wants Nagisa to pass all of his exams. Silly little life goals maybe, but they’re the only ones he feels he can really grasp at. If he can just focus on that for now, he’ll be okay. 

 

* * *

 

It begins with a paper, thrust up into his face and then Nagisa is hugging Rei tight and laughing and spinning them around as Rei tries to get his glasses on straight to read the score. 91. In math. 

He doesn’t care if they’re attracting looks from everyone else in the hallway. Rei hugs Nagisa back and squeezes tight. It’s only a single test score, not even close to exams, but right now, it’s like they’re standing on top of the world. 

Nagisa smiles so hard it makes Rei’s chest feel tight. It isn’t an unpleasant feeling, altogether.

 

* * *

 

It begins with another popsicle. Blue, because that’s still Rei’s favorite. Nagisa is quiet as they walk down the beach, staring down at the sand. 

“You’re still worrying about Haruka-senpai,” Rei says. There’s no question to it. Most of what they do is worry about Haru these days. They’ve already been over this so many times, argued over it, even. They’re both so worried. Rei drops his blue-stained stick into the nearest trash bin. 

“You two worrying about it won’t change a thing,” Goro had said. What a useless thing to say.

Nagisa pulls the popsicle from his mouth as he glances up at Rei. “There’s really nothing we can do, is there? We can’t help him.” 

Rei hums and looks up at the cloudless sky, says some words he doesn’t mean but thinks might help. “I think that Makoto-senpai and Rin-san are taking care of it.” Haru is currently in Australia, after all. “You shouldn’t worry.” 

“No, I  _ should _ worry because Haru-chan is my friend and he’s hurting and—” Nagisa sticks the popsicle back in his mouth like stopping up a faucet. He crosses his arms and looks pointedly out at the sea. Probably angry with Rei for suggesting he shouldn’t be 100 percent involved. Nagisa likes being involved. Likes knowing what’s upsetting people and how he can fix it. It’s his club, after all. Nagisa does have the right to worry, no matter what anyone says. Rei sighs and reaches for Nagisa’s shoulder. He taps it lightly, and then again when Nagisa refuses to look at him. 

“Nagisa-kun.” Still nothing. Rei grabs his arm instead, gives a squeeze. “Haruka-senpai knows you’re there to help if he needs you.” 

“Does he?” Nagisa’s head whips back around to stare at Rei. His half of the popsicle falls to the sand. “I don’t think so. Haru-chan never said anything to us at all!”

Rei grabs both of Nagisa’s shoulders before he can turn away again. “Just because he never said anything doesn’t mean he doesn’t know we’re there. With everything...that’s happened…” With Rin last year, with Rei’s ‘quitting the swim club’, with Nagisa running away from home, Rei  _ has _ to believe their team is more tightly knit than ever, has to believe they are something more than just four boys who happen to swim together. Something stronger than simply a team. “I just think we should wait and see what Haruka-senpai says he needs, rather than jumping in ourselves and accidentally making things worse.” Just they’d made things worse the night of the fireworks, trying to assure Haru and actually chasing him off. Rei still feels a little shaken over it. He’d been so sure that would help. 

“So I just make things worse?” Nagisa asks, voice low and head dropped so he won’t meet Rei’s eyes. 

Rei sighs and lets go of Nagisa’s shoulders. “Are you trying to fight with me? Because it feels like you’re going to be mad at me no matter what I say.”

“You’re not even worrying!” Nagisa spits back. “You want Mako-chan and Rin-chan to take care of everything!”

“When did I say that? I said that they are taking care of things their own way, so we should wait!” Rei crosses his arms and taps his foot in annoyance. That’s so unfair of Nagisa to even suggest. “Of course I’m worrying. You know that. You  _ know _ that.” 

Nagisa raises his head just to the point he can frown up at Rei. “But you told me not to worry. Just like everyone else. But there’s so much to worry about!”

Yes. True. But Rei hates to see Nagisa so quiet. So unlike his usual self. Rei clears his throat and adjusts his glasses. “Well, I’ll worry for both of us.”

“So I just pretend I don’t care at all from now on?” Nagisa drops his head once more. “I can’t do that.” 

“Just…” Rei knows what he means, but not how to say it. “Um, well...I think that you being yourself right now, Nagisa-kun, is the best thing.” He swallows back down his frustration. It’s been a trying few weeks for both of them. But if the times have been harsh, Rei needs to be gentle. He takes a deep breath to calm down and continues. “Because...because whenever you’re there, in a room, it makes things happier. Because you’re just you, Nagisa-kun. That’s who you are.” He reaches out and taps once beneath Nagisa’s chin, prompts his head back up. “Haruka-senpai knows you care. Everyone knows how much you care about every member of the club. If Haruka-senpai isn’t asking for your help, it isn’t because he thinks you won’t give it, but probably because us being ourselves is what’s easiest right now. I need to be me and you need to be you, and you are smiling and cheerful and everything Haruka-senpai might be having a hard time with right now.” He removes his hand from Nagisa’s chin and studies the melting popsicle on the ground. “If I had something bad going on, the way Haruka-senpai was, more than anything I think I would need you being you, Nagisa-kun. So give him that, once he gets back from his trip.” 

They stand in silence for a moment, with a soundtrack of waves rolling up and down the beach. 

“I’m sorry,” Nagisa says at last. “I’m sorry, Rei-chan, I don’t want to fight.” He reaches out and circles two fingers around Rei’s wrist. “Can we get ice cream instead?” 

They leave the dropped popsicle where it landed, slowly seeping blue into the sand.

 

* * *

 

It begins with the ride to Nationals. Haru’s absence is a gaping hole that none of Ama-sensei’s strange proverbs or Nagisa’s babbling can fill, though Rei can see that they’re both trying their very hardest. Things simplify once Rei actually gets into the pool. In the water, all that matters is getting from one side to the other. Nagisa is in the lane next to him, sightseeing as much as he is practicing, counting the number of rows of seats, watching other swimmers take to the water, pretending to be an announcer declaring a win for Iwatobi. It makes Rei smile just to see him. And he catches Nagisa watching him too. Nagisa smiles, and Rei feels that twinge in his chest again, the one he seems to feel so often now, when he sees Nagisa’s smile. The real smile, that he’s slowly learning to differentiate from the fake. The one that makes his heart stutter in an almost alarming way.

Rei does another lap to try to shake it off.

 

* * *

 

It begins with the lights on the water. Nagisa veers towards the ocean, reckless as always. Though in time, Rei has learned how not to overreact. He follows quite steadily and without arms reaching to drag Nagisa back from the edge. The city reflected in the sea is beautiful, and vaguely reminds Rei of standing atop the abandoned lighthouse, that night he first felt like a real member of the team. He wonders if anyone else is remembering that as well. 

And they are together again, as a team. The same feeling of sharedness, perhaps even the twining of a string of fate, winds between them, just like the night when they stood on the stars. Even Haru has settled into a calm. He has a dream now, something to strive for. A future to grasp at. Rei can’t wait to tell people he swam with Olympic champion Haruka Nanase in high school. And Makoto, who is off to become a wonderful swim coach, Rei is certain, with his patient and kind teaching. And Nagisa, who might not have a dream yet but will be something amazing, sure as anything. His team. Rei’s precious team. His precious team that, tomorrow, will be over with. 

“I bet we’ll be able to go even further next year!” Nagisa babbles as they all chat and reminisce, and giggles to himself, and Rei watches Haru and Makoto’s faces drop. 

They actually have to confront that now.

Rei lays a hand on Nagisa’s shoulder. He’s sure Nagisa hasn’t actually forgotten. He’s just doing what he always does with his bad situations—tries to pretend they don’t exist. Rei squeezes his shoulder tight, tries to remind Nagisa of reality, tries to be as reassuring as he can be, but it isn’t working for some reason. He just...can’t seem to…

“Next year it won’t be the four of us anymore,” he says, and tries to smile, but it comes out as tears instead. A lot of tears. 

“Rei-chan…” Nagisa whispers off to his right, and then Nagisa is crying too, and Rei feels a little less embarrassed at his outburst.  They can’t pretend anything different, can’t ignore the inevitable. So here they are, crying together, the two who will be left behind.

It’s a good thing that Haru and Makoto are so understanding, being the ones who leave. Nagisa hides his face in Makoto’s shirt as Rei tries to regulate his breathing. But it’s no good. Even if they still get to swim together tomorrow, even if it isn’t over quite yet, it won’t be long. It’s Haru’s words that drag Rei from his misery. “Swimming the relay connected us,” he says, with a small smile, and Rei remembers just how much the beauty of Haru’s swimming had first lured him to the water. “So even if we end up walking different paths,” Haru continues—which is amazing because Haru talks so little most of the time and Rei had only really expected the one sentence—“We’ll always be connected to each other.” Like a string of fate, Rei supposes. Making them something more than just a team.

Haru turns his head to look out across the water. “There won’t be an end for us,” he promises, and Rei believes him, feels that promise hook into heart, there to stay. This is his team, and soon it will be broken, but it won’t ever truly end.

There won’t be an end for us, he repeats to himself, and studies the reflections of the city on the gentle waves, making the ocean glow.

 

* * *

 

It begins with the steady in and out of Nagisa’s breathing, and the thump of feet from the floors above them, muffled and soft. Rei lies there in the hotel bed, staring at the ceiling and listening to Nagisa breathing, calmer now, no hitches. They’ve both cried themselves out, Rei hopes. But he feels better, having done it. He can come to terms with Haru and Makoto leaving. He’ll be okay. At least Nagisa isn’t graduating as well. If losing Haru and Makoto makes Rei’s heart break, the idea of losing Nagisa makes him feel like he has no heart at all.

What will it be like, in a year, to be leaving the swim club forever? What will it be like, when they’re standing at the edge of a sparkling ocean, and it’s Nagisa that Rei has to say goodbye to?

Rei listens to Nagisa breathe. In and out. In and out. His chest starts to ache rather unbearably. 

How is he supposed to say goodbye to Nagisa?

He can’t, Rei realizes. At this point, leaving Nagisa behind is impossible. He tries to imagine going to university without Nagisa at his side, riding the train without him, doing his school work without him, living without the cheerful calling of his name, and it is all still impossible. He’s gotten so used to being Rei-chan. Going back to Ryugazaki-kun would be...wrong. 

“Nagisa-kun?” he asks the ceiling, on the off chance he’s awake, and there’s the clink of bedsprings to his right. 

“Rei-chan?” Rei turns his head to where Nagisa is looking at him, illuminated only by the green light of the digital clock. “Is something wrong?”

Rei sits up a little and props himself up on his elbows before grabbing his glasses because he wants to be able to properly see, in full definition. And then all he can do for a moment is stare at Nagisa—curly hair mussed and eyes heavy with sleep—and wonder at the fact that any one person could have entered his life and changed it so much, changed his entire world in so many ways to the point Rei can’t imagine life without him. And maybe Nagisa doesn’t think the same in return and that’s okay because Rei just wants to let Nagisa spin his world around again and again and again. And he isn’t even sure why he said Nagisa’s name in the first place because there’s no way he can possibly convey everything he thinks and feels right now because it’s a complete tangled mess. But Nagisa is watching him with sleepy eyes and face balanced on his folded arms, and Rei should probably say something at least. 

“I’m very glad I met you,” he says, because maybe that comes the closest. He watches Nagisa’s eyes widen for a moment, and then crinkle at the corners when he smiles. 

“I’m glad I met you too, Rei-chan.”

“No, I mean…” I can’t imagine a life without you in it. But he can’t say that. “I’m very  _ very  _ glad I met you.” 

Nagisa’s eyes are starting to go closed again. “I’m very glad I met you too,” he mumbles. 

Why can’t Rei ever say the right thing when it really matters? His brain is going into overdrive, and he knows he’ll probably be up all night, trying to calm down, trying to tell himself it doesn’t really matter, but it does matter, it matters so much, and he spits out the first words that come to mind. 

“I’m never going to leave you.”

And once that’s out in the open there’s no going back. “I mean...if you want me,” he babbles. “Not if you want  _ me _ , but if you want me. There. With you. I mean…” He’s glad it’s dark, because hopefully Nagisa can’t see how red his face has become. “As long as you want me there, I’ll never leave you,” he finishes, and that was a complete disaster. He flops back into the bed, staring up at the ceiling once again. He slaps his glasses back onto the side table. Total disaster, and he feels hot all over, and Nagisa probably thinks he’s the biggest loser in the whole world now. Except there’s a shuffling off to his side and the sound of feet on the floor and he turns his head back just in time to see Nagisa crawling in under the covers. “Nagisa-kun?” His voice goes all high-pitched at the end, but Nagisa just lays his head on Rei’s pillow and a second later an arm is thrown across Rei’s chest and Nagisa’s cold feet are all tangled in his legs. And it’s not like it’s an unusual thing, having Nagisa sleeping practically on top of him. He does it enough on the train, uses Rei’s shoulder as a pillow and promptly clocks out, but here, in the dark and beneath the covers of the bed, it feel so familiar and so, so different all at once. “Nagisa-kun, what are you doing?” 

Nagisa yawns. “Just go to sleep Rei-chan.” He nuzzles his face into the pillow and yawns again, curling his arm a little tighter around Rei. But how is Rei supposed to sleep with his head and his heart both nearing supersonic speeds? 

“Nagisa?” he whispers, rolling over to face him, and Nagisa’s face breaks into a soft smile before he realizes what he said. “Nagisa- _ kun _ , I mean. I mean not that this isn’t pleasant but...” There was definitely a better way to put that. “...but...but…” 

“I want you here forever, Rei-chan,” Nagisa murmurs as his eyes close, and Rei loses the words on his tongue. “I want you forever and ever and ever.” 

And Rei stares at him and realizes the ache in his chest has disappeared. Or at least, has turned into a warmer, gentler ache that he doesn’t mind.

He falls asleep to the soft sound of Nagisa’s breathing, right there in his arms, and everything feels just a little more alright.

 

* * *

 

It begins with 6th place. The most wonderful loss Rei has ever been a piece of. 


	3. Chapter 3

It begins with a nod and a smile. “It’s okay Rei-chan. It probably for the best.” 

“But…” Rei adjusts his glasses nervously and then pulls at the buttons on his shirt. “You deserve to be captain. It’s  _ your _ swim club. None of this would have happened if it weren’t for you. I respect Makoto-senpai but this decision…” 

Nagisa shrugs and reaches for Rei’s hands. Stills them before he can worry a button off. “It’s fine, Rei-chan. I promise. Only one of us can be captain and it’s better if it’s you.”

“How is it better? It’s not better.” Rei closes his fingers around Nagisa’s hand. “It’s your club.” 

“Well…” Nagisa says, and bounces their hands up and down a bit. “Just in case I start doing bad in classes again, it’s better that I’m just a member of the swim club and not the captain.”

“But I’ll keep tutoring you!” Rei protests. He would miss Nagisa’s almost daily visits to his apartment. “That’s not a good enough reason.” 

Nagisa shrugs. “Mako-chan made his decision. No use arguing.” 

Rei looks down at Nagisa’s hands in his. “Well, then we agree I’m captain?”

Nagisa nods. 

“And I have absolute authority?” 

“Absolute is stretchi—”

Rei clears his throat and looks Nagisa straight in the eye. “Then I order you to be my co-captain. Fifty-fifty. We can split up who will do what exactly when it gets closer to the season, but I want you standing right by my side when we welcome the new members.”

“But—!”

“Absolute authority,” Rei reminds him, and Nagisa just stares at him for a moment before breaking out into laughter. “Okay, okay, I guess I need to be there to keep the power from going to your head.” 

“And to be fun,” Rei adds. “To be your usual fun smiling self who gets people excited to be a part of the club, because we both know I’m awful at trying to make people have fun.”

“Well, your favorite subject is math,” Nagisa says, like that explains everything, and smiles again and makes Rei’s chest hurt. 

“Fifty-fifty,” Rei states, and claims his hands back only so he can offer one again in a handshake. 

“Fifty-fifty,” Nagisa agrees, returning the handshake, and suddenly the next season seems a lot less intimidating. The pressure in Rei’s chest abates, just a little, only to inflate once more when Nagisa grabs his wrist to go walk through the park and watch the colors change in the trees.

 

* * *

 

It begins with an internet search. Imprecise, because Rei doesn’t really know what to type.  _ What does it mean when your chest is tight but only around one person?  _

Apparently the answer is a heart condition, but Rei doesn’t think that’s it. He lets it go for now. The weather is turning cold once more, and he stashes his scarf and mittens away in his pack for the inevitable day of first snowfall when Nagisa asks if they can walk home instead. He’s actually really looking forward to it.

 

* * *

 

It begins with a little piece of time. Rei is determined to get Nagisa something more personal this year than mittens, though he is gratified to see the yellow mittens make a reappearance the first snowfall. Nagisa seems very proud to have kept a pair of mittens safe for almost a full year, mostly by never wearing them. But nevermind, because this year Rei is going to get Nagisa a gift that means something, something like the adder stone he still keeps beneath his pillow. And he knows the best person to get help from. 

“Really? Really really?” Gou doesn’t even wait for confirmation before cramming all her books into her pack and practically running out of the classroom. Rei has to scurry to catch up. 

“Yes, really,” he mutters, ducking down so he’s more her level. “But it needs to be secret. Nagisa-kun can’t find out.” 

“I can do secret,” Gou protests, and then Nagisa turns the corner right in front of them. His face lights up. 

“Rei-chan, do you want to—?” 

“Um...I have an errand,” Rei stammers. 

Nagisa looks a little put-out, but only for a second. “Gou-chan, do you want—?”

“I...also have an errand,” Gou lies, with much more grace than Rei had. “Maybe tomorrow?” 

“Oh. Sure.” Nagisa fiddles with his gloves and does his scarf up a little tighter. “See you tomorrow?” 

“Tomorrow,” Rei and Gou promise at the same time, and beat a hasty retreat. 

“He’ll understand when you give him the present,” Gou assures Rei as they walk into the shopping center. It doesn’t stop Rei from feeling guilty. He remembers the last time he avoided Nagisa for secret reasons. Hopefully this won’t turn out so badly since it’s only a single afternoon. Gou pinches him though his coat and grins. “Anyway, let’s get shopping!” 

Rei lingers at a cake shop for a few minutes. “He does like sweets,” he says, but Gou grabs his arm to pull him along. 

“Sweets are gone in a matter of minutes. If you want it to mean something, get something that lasts. Like jewelry.” 

“Jewelry?” Rei can feel himself turn pink. “I can’t buy him jewelry!” 

Gou waves a hand dismissively. “It was just an example. If Nagisa-kun was a girl though, I’d give him jewelry. In your position.” 

In his position? What is that supposed to mean? But Gou is dragging him off again before he can ask. 

In the end it all amounts to nothing. Gou buys some candied nuts and shares with Rei on a bench outside. “Nothing was really right for Nagisa-kun,” she admits, and sighs. “He’s hard to buy presents for. Lucky the rest of us can just buy cakes, but you…”

“But me?” Rei asks around a mouthful of candied nuts. 

Gou studies him for a second, mouth pursed, and then sighs. “You’re...just so much to him. I never see him happier than when he’s with you.” She studies her fingers, getting chapped from the cold. “I never see you happier than when you’re with him, too. I think you just being there is the best present you can give.” 

Rei frowns up at the cloud-heavy sky. “I...guess. I still don’t know what to get him.” 

“You could let him throw that birthday party for you,” Gou says slyly, and Rei covers his eyes with one hand. 

“No. No, I like my birthday to pass by unnoticed, thank you.” He’d stopped being excited about birthdays when he was ten. Even his parents know that a couple of books and kiss on the forehead are more than enough. 

Gou shakes her head and pats Rei’s knee. “Well, sorry I couldn’t help then. Maybe you should just buy him a cake. With chocolate. And a strawberry.” She takes one more handful of nuts and walks off through the snow. Rei bangs his head back against the side of the building and wonders what the hell he can give Nagisa that reflects his feelings. Maybe if he can get just the right gift, Nagisa will get it without Rei ever having to explain. 

He never wants to leave Nagisa. And Nagisa said he doesn’t want Rei to leave. So how does Rei show that through a mere present?

How does one prove those feelings? 

Just being there, Gou had said. And jewelry. Rei stands, shoves the rest of the nuts into his pocket, and heads back inside. He has an idea. 

The next day Nagisa greets him with silence when Rei joins him on the train. There’s not much of a chance to talk anyways, but it normally doesn’t prevent Nagisa from trying. So Rei smiles and tries to act like nothing’s wrong until they’re at the school gates. He grabs Nagisa’s arm and pulls him aside. “What’s wrong?” he asks, though he knows it has something to do with yesterday afternoon.

“Nothin’,” Nagisa tries to answer, but he sighs when Rei just stares at him waiting for the truth. “What did Gou-chan and you not want me to know?” he asks at last, and puts his hands on his hips as he stares up at Rei. “If it’s...that...then I’d rather know right now, rather than you hiding it!” 

Rei squints and pushes his glasses back up his nose. “What is what? What did you think we were doing?”

Nagisa scowls and studies the ground. “A date?”

“A date,” Rei repeats, and feels the weight lift from his shoulders. He chuckles softly before placing gloved hands on Nagisa’s arms, moving gently up and down. “Nagisa-kun, Gou-san and I were not on a date. I needed her help with something. That’s all.”

Nagisa tilts his head back up, still with a bit of a frown. “Then why didn’t you say so?”

“Because that thing I need help with might be something to do with you,” Rei admits. “Not a bad thing!” he adds almost immediately to prevent further problems. “I thought...her advice might be helpful.”

“Oh.” And just like that, Nagisa perks up. “I was a little worried there.”

Rei smiles and lets a hand trail down to Nagisa’s own, squeezes his fingers. “If I was going to go on a date with someone, you would definitely know.” 

He isn’t expecting anything more to come of it, but the subject pops up again that afternoon after school, like it’s really been nagging at Nagisa all day. “Do you?” Nagisa asks as they walk to Rei’s apartment for a study session. “Have anyone you want to date?” 

Rei shakes his head. 

“No one to...go to the movies with, share popcorn?” Nagisa presses. 

“Just you,” Rei says, and Nagisa makes a happy little chirp and is quiet the rest of the walk. Apparently that’s good enough. 

Rei waits until the day before Christmas to give his present this time. Nagisa, of course, came through spectacularly a few days earlier. A photo album, filled with pictures Nagisa had, on the sly, taken with his phone over the last summer season. There’s photos from cleaning the pool, and backstage at the disastrous club presentation, and everyone in the club wandering around in leis, and Rei performing the backstroke in the pool when he was showing it off to everyone, and Ama-sensei’s car for some odd sentimental reason, and many, many pictures from each of their competitions. There’s a photo of the view from their hotel room at Nationals, or at least, of Rei standing framed in the window, looking out across the city. So many moments, captured now, that Rei otherwise might have lost, faded over time. “I left some space at the back for the rest of this year,” Nagisa had explained as he pointed to the blank sheets. “But I want to start a new one in the spring! With the new team!” 

The photo album is now in the drawer of Rei’s bedside table. The stone remains under his pillow. He accidentally washed it with the sheets once, but lucky that rocks are durable. 

Rei hasn’t been to Nagisa’s house much, though certainly more now than last year. He’s able to name the sisters correctly, at least, and Nagisa’s parents know his name. It’s Chiasa who opens the door to his knock, scans Rei up and down, and then turns to yell into the house. “Nagisa. It’s for you!” 

“What?” comes the answering call, somewhere deep in the house. 

“I said it’s for you, get out here!” Chiasa sends Rei an apologetic look. “Sorry, just a sec.” She closes the door halfway and Rei can hear her shouting back and forth with Nagisa. 

“It’s for you!”

“I’m busy!” 

“So? You’re gonna leave him out in the cold?” 

“Who?” 

“Rei!”

“Rei-chan?” 

“Yes, Rei-chan, so hurry up!” Chiasa opens the door once more and smiles. She’s the sister who looks the most like Nagisa. Wavy blonde hair. Very pretty. “Do you want to come in?”

“Thank you.” Rei steps inside and just manages to take his gloves off before Nagisa comes speeding around the corner in the hallway, sliding in socked feet with the grace of years of practice. 

“Rei-chan!” he calls, and skates across the floor to them. Chiasa sends Rei one more smile before escaping into the kitchen. Nagisa bounds up to Rei and immediately reaches up to brush the snow from Rei’s coat shoulders. “What are you doing here? It’s so cold outside! We have some chicken leftover, do you want—?”

“I have something for you,” Rei blurts out, and reaches into his satchel. He didn’t bother wrapping beyond the little gift bag the shop had given him. Nagisa takes the tiny package with a confused expression. 

“Is it a rock?” 

“No,” Rei assures him with a laugh. Nagisa reaches into the gift bag and withdraws the box. He pops the lid off and stares down at his present. 

“A watch? Rei-chan, this must have been expensive!” 

“No, no, it’s okay!” Rei hurries to hike his sleeves up. “See? I got the same one!” 

Nagisa looks at him like he’s crazy. “Why? We already match swimsuits, Rei-chan, I didn’t spend any money on your gift, really…”

Rei breathes out slowly. Nagisa isn’t getting it. “Nagisa-kun.” He plucks the watch from the box and grabs Nagisa’s hand. Nagisa gives up protesting as Rei slips the watch onto his wrist and does up the clasp, measured as best as he could from memory. “It isn’t about money.” Rei sticks his arm out so their watches are side by side. “I had these timed to be exactly the same. Of course, they won’t stay that way, but it’s okay, that can be synced again if we bring them into a shop.” 

Nagisa frowns a little and his pinky finger strays to brush against Rei’s wrist bone. “Why exactly the same?” 

Rei glances to either side and then down the hallway in case any nosy sisters are around, and then lowers his voice. “Maybe this sounds stupid but...I want to give you time. My time. My...my promise that no matter what happens in the future with university and all that, I will look at this watch and know that you are still on the same time, so we…” His voice is giving out on him a little. And this is getting a bit more emotional than he planned. Rei clears his throat and withdraws his arm, tugs his sleeves back down. “It’s silly, I know, I just want you to know that...that you always have my time. Whenever you need it.” 

Rei-chan…” Nagisa murmurs, and looks up at Rei with huge and unreadable eyes. Rei is just about to get really worried but then Nagisa jumps up and wraps his arms around Rei’s neck. Rei stumbles back a bit and his heels hit the front door, but Nagisa has his face buried in Rei’s shoulder and is standing on tiptoe to reach and okay, this worked out as well as Rei was hoping. He folds his arms around Nagisa and pulls him even closer, and everything feels just a little bit more right, like it had the night before Nationals when Nagisa had slipped into Rei’s bed. Nagisa, warm and soft and pressed close to his chest in a way that fits so flawlessly.

Rei doesn’t want to let go. But eventually Nagisa has to get off of tiptoe. He lets loose his arms and slowly lowers himself back down, hands trailing down Rei’s coat, catching at the clasps. “This is a way nicer gift than the one I gave you,” he mumbles. Rei has to catch at Nagisa’s chin to tilt his face up so he can meet his eyes. 

“I love your gifts. They are always exactly what I need, even if I didn’t know it.” 

Nagisa smiles up at him, and their watches tick-tick-tick in perfect unison. Rei’s chest starts to hurt again. He pulls Nagisa in for another hug, hoping that will make it better. 

It does. Sort of. 

“It’s getting late, Rei-chan,” Nagisa says at last, voice muffled by Rei’s coat. “I can walk you to the station.”

Rei shakes his head and releases his hold on Nagisa, letting him take a step back. “No, it’s alright. I’ll be fine.” Nagisa looks to already be in pajamas, even if Rei would prefer his company. 

“You sure?” 

Rei takes his gloves out of his pockets and slips them on. He smiles down at Nagisa. “I’m sure. Merry Christmas, Nagisa-kun.” 

Nagisa pulls the wrist that houses his new watch close up against his chest and smiles back, a softer, more gentle expression than his usual cheery grin. “Merry Christmas, Rei-chan. Thank you for the time.”  

 

* * *

 

It begins with Rei’s heartbeat, much more erratic than his steadily ticking watch the entire way home from Nagisa’s house. He asks the internet once more what it means once he’s alone in his room, but leaves out the part about pain. He clicks to search. And then stares at his results for a very long time.

 

* * *

 

It begins with his mother and a cup of tea. The tea slides into place on the counter in front of him and his mother sits at the stool to his right, hunching over her own cup. Rei hadn’t heard her at all, even though she must have been brewing the tea right there in the kitchen. Too lost in thought. He’d thought his parents were both safely in bed and he could brood freely wherever he wanted. “You looked like you needed a hot drink,” his mom says with a soft smile, like these midnight meetings are commonplace, and focuses on holding her own cup in her hands and blowing gently on the contents. Rei watches her for a moment before dragging the tea across the table to hold it and feel the warmth spread across his palms and fingers. The single light on above their heads does little to illuminate any further than the table, but the darkness is reassuring tonight. A sanctuary. If his mother would just get back to bed. Rei needs thinking time and his own bedroom had started to feel oppressive. Too many memories. 

His mom finishes her tea before Rei takes a single sip and then turns on her stool to look at him. “So? What’s bothering you, chickie?”

“Nothing,” Rei answers quickly, and then adds, “That you can help with, at least.” 

She crosses her legs and studies him. Rei straightens his posture. “Why don’t you try me?” she says. “I won’t laugh. I won’t tell Dad. I won’t ever mention it again if you don’t want me to.”

No, it’s still too embarrassing. Rei turns his face away. 

“Are you in trouble?” his mom prompts patiently, and he shakes his head. “Something to do with school?” No. “Fight with a friend?” Hardly. He shakes his head again. “Something to do with Nagisa-kun?” his mom asks, and Rei can’t prevent the way his cheeks go pink. He hunches over his tea like that will somehow hide the reaction. Of course it would be easy for her to guess. Whenever he goes out, even if he doesn’t specify his location, his parents know it has something to do with Nagisa almost always. “Not an argument, not a fight?” his mom clarifies, and Rei sighs deeply and takes a long sip of tea. 

“No arguing. No fighting,” he assures her. “Something else.” 

“Hmm.” His mom begins passing her empty cup back and forth between her hands. “What about Nagisa-kun could have you up this late worrying on Christmas Eve? Did something happen to him? Is he having trouble at home again?” 

“No. Everything is fine. Everything is normal.” Rei tries to keep the annoyance out of his voice and isn’t entirely sure he succeeded. He isn’t actually that annoyed with his mother. He’s just so stressed over this situation. His own room is filled with hundreds of ghosts of the hours Nagisa has spent there, sitting on the bed, sprawled on the floor, rifling through the bookshelves. Even holding the adder stone hadn’t helped, and that always helps. 

He doesn’t know what to do. 

“Rei…” his mom begins again, and Rei shuts his eyes tight and clutches his cup tight in his hands. 

“Mom, how did you know you loved Dad?” 

His mom is silent for a long moment after that, and then she whispers, “Ah, so that’s it?” Rei bites at his lip and nods just a little bit. 

“Hmm.” He can hear her cup sliding across the counter. “I think it’s different for everyone. First off, I was in love with several people before your father.” She laughs a little, the sound out of place in the dark. “I was so in love with a boy in my class when I was fifteen. I made him chocolates and wrote him love notes and never gave him any of them because I was too shy.” Rei dares opening his eyes. His mom is staring at the counter, smile still on her face. “I was convinced one day fate would push us together and he’d fall in love with me in an instant, sort of the way I’d fallen in love with him. Needless to say, it never happened. I got involved in track and the next year we weren’t in the same class and then we’d graduated before I spoke a single word to him.” She shrugs and goes silent. 

Rei tries not to sound too impatient when he mutters, “That doesn’t really help me, Mom.” She laughs again. 

“Okay, well, by the time I graduated, I might’ve had a thing for the track team captain.” She lowers her voice even more. “Looked a lot like your father. Very tall. Dark hair. Beautiful.” 

“Beautiful?” An odd choice of words.

His mom nods, smile fading. “It was the girls’ track team. She was very beautiful.” Her eyes dart over to meet Rei’s startled ones. “I never did anything about that particular love and I’m sure you know why.”

“I...I…” Rei doesn’t want to think about it. It just makes everything more confusing than ever. “I know why,” he says, and hunches his shoulder a little, making himself smaller. “You never told me. About the track captain.” 

His mom rests her chin in one hand and runs a finger along the rim of her cup. “It never mattered before. But I think it does now. So you know that your father and I are here, no matter who you choose to lo—”

“I don’t know I’m in love with him!” Rei protests, voice rising, and he stares at his mother, whole body tensed and a lump in his throat. Oh, he really did just yell that, didn’t he? He feels his nose begin to itch, that strange sign of oncoming tears. “I don’t...I’m...I’m sorry…” He pushes his glasses up into his hair and buries his face in his hands. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” 

He can hear his mom’s slippers tapping the floor as she gets off her stool, and then she’s standing next to him, pulling Rei into her arms. She hugs him tight and kisses his forehead. “It’s okay. No apologizing.” She rocks gently back and forth. Rei can’t remember the last time he was held by his mother like this.  

“What about Dad?” he mumbles. “How did you know?” 

His mom sighs happily. “Well, your father is so handsome, like you…”

“ _ Mom _ .” 

“Fine. Fine,” she chuckles. “But I did notice him first because he was handsome. It was a retirement party for a professor we both had, though a couple years apart. I think I fell in love with him that night, while we both sat in the corner and complained about the weather.” Her hand cards through Rei’s hair, encounters his glasses, and wrangles them off his head to place on the table. “How did I know? I’m not sure. My chest felt a little funny, I guess, and I couldn’t focus on much else besides wanting to see him again.” 

Rei feels like his input might be wanted here. He grunts a little. His mom pets his hair again. 

“But there was a difference between falling in love and knowing he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Those are not the same thing. I realized the second part only after two years of dating your father. So it took a little longer than falling in love.” 

Rei lifts his face from his mother’s arms and peers up without glasses at the blob of color that is her face. “What about...knowing you want to be with someone for the rest of your life, but not being in love?” 

“Generally I think that’s called friendship. I think it depends on what you want from a person.” She pops his glasses back on the end of his nose. Her calm expression comes into focus. “You can be close to someone without it being romantic, and you can definitely love someone without it being a romantic love. So, do you think you have a romantic love?” 

“I—I don’t know,” Rei admits, and splays a hand across his chest. “It just...hurts here and sometimes it’s because of...him, and sometimes it’s something only he can make go away and I don’t understand why…” He trails off into a sigh. “It’s inconsistent,” he says at last. “So I don’t know. I want to be together. I can’t imagine leaving him now. I want...I want him to want me there. And I want to help him be happy. And I want to be happy with him, Mom, because when I’m with him I’m so happy, I can’t explain...it’s like a different kind of happiness and I could spend the rest of my life with him probably and never get bored because even if we don’t say anything it’s okay, because it’s a good silence, and...and…” He’s babbling. Rei clamps his mouth shut and turns his face away, blush returning full force. How like his mom to get him spilling secrets with just a cup of tea. 

“Have you told Nagisa-kun how you feel?”

Rei shrugs one shoulder. “I’ve told him I won’t leave him, that I’ll always be there for him.”

“But not that you love him?” 

Rei scoffs. “No, never! I can’t! That’s...that’s…! And I don’t even know if I love him! I don’t know!” 

“Okay, shush, I’m not accusing you of anything bad.” His mom releases him from the hug but keeps her hands on his shoulders. “Drink some more tea.”

“But—!”

“I didn’t make it just to go cold. Drink it.”

Rei drinks it, trying to not look too moody while he does so. He doesn’t feel any better having told his mom, no weight lifted from his chest. He feels worse than ever having said it all aloud. And the tea, while warm, isn’t solving any of his problems. 

“What should I do?” he asks softly once he’s placed the empty cup back on the counter. His mom just kisses his forehead again and takes their cups to the sink. 

“I don’t know, Rei. Probably take some time to think about what it is you really want.” 

See? No help at all. He still returns her hug when she steers him back into bed. “Merry Christmas,” she whispers, and squeezes his hand once before leaving the room and shutting the door. 

Rei sits on the bed for one still moment and then his hand dives underneath the pillow to find the adder stone. His fingers rub over and over the polished surface. 

His mother had been in love with another girl? That does actually make him feel a little better now that he thinks about it, so maybe it wasn’t a pointless conversation. He’d been a bit worried about bringing that part up. Extra complications. But his mom hadn’t cared. Actually, it felt like she already knew. 

How painfully obvious has his infatuation been? Does his father know? How about Gou? Or Haru or Makoto or…?

Does Nagisa know? Does he know and he just...acts the same as always, because he feels sorry for Rei, with these feelings Nagisa won’t ever return? 

Rei puts his glasses on the bedside table and rolls face-down onto his pillow. If this is love, he doesn’t want it. It’s just making things so confusing, when just six hours ago Nagisa had been in his arms and the world was so simple. He hates himself for that internet search. 

He doesn’t end up sleeping much, maybe a half hour towards the end of the night, before his phone dings. Rei grabs it and his glasses to check the text. It’s from Nagisa, not that he was expecting anyone else this early on Christmas morning. 

_ Merry Christmas Rei-chan!!! _

It’s accompanied by a photo of Nagisa giving him the peace sign, using the arm that houses his new watch. Rei reaches for his left wrist and the watch that matches and his eyes follow the little second hand around, tick tick tick of both their times in sync with each other. Yes, because no matter in what way, Rei is determined to stick by Nagisa’s side. If he’s in love or not has no actual effect on his plans. It’s alright not to know for sure, and it’s alright to never breathe a word of it to Nagisa. Because the end result is the same. Him and Nagisa, side by side. Rei needs him, plain and simple. What’s that he read once? 

_ I need you the way that the big moon needs that open sea. _

Yes, that’s it.

Rei snaps a quick picture of a peace sign in return, and then lies there with his phone pressed against his chest as he watches the sun peek between the curtains as the city is slowly enveloped by dawn.

It’s alright. As long as he doesn’t say anything stupid to ruin the balance between them. It will be alright.

And Nagisa will never have to know.

 

* * *

 

It begins with the realization that things aren’t that easy. 

Haru and Makoto have announced their desire to live together in Tokyo, and have been to the city a few times now, both for school and apartment-hunting purposes. Makoto’s been away from home in order to study for entrance exams, so it’s been a month since the whole team was together. The entrance exam is in a week now, and Nagisa and Gou had sort of insisted the team should do something nice and the two of them together are impossible to ignore. Since Makoto can’t sit five minutes without pulling out his flashcards, they decide on an easy lunch, plenty of chances for frantic studying. Gou remembers a ramen place from when she was young, and that’s how Rei ends up on the train, with Nagisa holding onto him for support. Which is just like the universe trying to punish him.

To be fair, the train is very packed. Rei still ends up holding his breath through almost the entire ride, trying to keep his thoughts in rein. Nagisa has his hands clutched in Rei’s sweater, pressed right up against Rei’s front. Rei longs to drop his arms and pull Nagisa to him, but he can’t. It would lack subtlety. 

What do you really want, his mom had asked. Right now, what Rei wants is to bustle Nagisa off the train, walk to the ramen place, go hand in hand because their hands fit so nicely together. But he’s not getting what he wants. So he tries not to let his heart beat so fast as Nagisa shifts a little closer and readjusts his grip in Rei’s sweater. 

It’s not overly busy at the ramen place by the time they get there, and Gou is outside waiting. “We have a table, as soon as the others get here. I invited my brother. Hope that’s okay.” 

“Rin-chan? Of course it’s okay,” Nagisa assures her, and the three of them wait on the bench outside until two familiar figures appear down the street. “Do we wait for Rin-chan?” Nagisa asks as Gou bustles everyone into the restaurant. She makes a face. 

“I told him to be here on time. We can start eating.” 

It’s a nice little shop, with a nice big table in the corner perfect for their party. Rei ends up in the farthest seat, with Nagisa at his side and a space for Rin left at the end of the booth. They order drinks and Nagisa yawns and rests his head on Rei’s shoulder. Rei’s face flares hot, but no one is looking at them funny. No, of course not, because this is normal behavior for the two of them. Rei catches Gou studying them, but she just smiles when she meets Rei’s eyes and gets back to her menu. 

Rin arrives out of breath and generally disheveled, with scarf mostly undone and gloves stuffed haphazardly into his pockets. “Sorry,” he mutters, and sits in place beside Nagisa. He glances over at the two of them and nods at Rei. Then he grins and pokes Nagisa in the side. “What, you up all night playing video games?”

Nagisa bats Rin’s arm away. “I’m sleeping here, Rin-chan.” 

“And what if Rei needs his arm?”

“He still has the other one.” 

“That’s considerate of you.” 

“Fine.” Nagisa straightens up and then flops in the opposite direction, landing on Rin’s arm despite the cry of protest. Everyone else laughs, even Haru, but Rei fails to find the humor in the sudden cold spot on his left. He didn’t mind. He  _ wants  _ that closeness. Why did Rin have to show up and take it away?

It’s not Rin’s fault of course. It’s not Nagisa’s. It’s Rei’s, with these emotions he suddenly doesn’t know what to do with. He’s quiet for the rest of the meal, and very thankful for Rin’s presence, as it sort of masks his own silence, though he’s sure he feels Gou watching him again, even if he never bothers to check. 

“Do you...want to walk back?” Rei asks once they’ve finished lunch and the group has disbanded from the front of the ramen shop. “I can...I can buy us some hot chocolate at that place we went to once. Remember?” 

Nagisa beams up at him. “Sure.” 

So they walk, and Rei longs to have the courage to reach out and take Nagisa’s hand. It can’t be that hard, can it? Nagisa never seems to have trouble with it. 

What does he really want? Rei wants to hold Nagisa’s hand. He wants Nagisa to lean on him in restaurants or on the train or fall asleep in his lap at karaoke. He wants...he wants…

The walk takes maybe an hour, and then Rei pays for two hot chocolates when they finally find the little cafe. He wants to reach across the table and wipe the whipped cream from Nagisa’s bottom lip. He wants his drink to never run out, so they can sit here forever with Nagisa gushing ideas on recruiting members to the swim club come spring and Rei simply watching the light in his eyes, the flash of his smile. 

If he is in love, Rei decides, suddenly a lot of things make more sense. Could he even feel this way about someone he’s not in love with?

When they reach Nagisa’s house and Rei leaves him at the bottom of the driveway, what he wants most is to take Nagisa’s chin and maybe...a kiss? 

No, no, no, even the thought is too much to handle. Rei says as quick a goodbye as he can manage and takes the time to walk to his own apartment, getting back just as it’s beginning to get dark. His mom is home, and sticks her head out of the office to greet him. “How was it?” she asks, face carefully blank. 

“Mmmph,” Rei answers, and goes to collapse on his bed.

 

* * *

 

It begins with a very familiar pile of books dumped on his desk after school. Rei doesn’t fight it this time when Gou stands back and crosses her arms. He simply sighs and browses the titles. Of course Gou would have it figured out. She’s probably had it figured out longer than he has. What was it he’d said last time, when Gou had asked if he was in love? He could never be victim of something as illogical as love, or something like that. How stupid he’d been. “Do you know what I should do?” he asks, and her expression softens as she slowly shakes her head. 

“Will you tell him?” 

“No.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because he might say he doesn’t feel the same way.” Rei runs a finger down the spines of the books. “And I’m not sure I could handle that.” 

“So you’ll just...say nothing? Ever?”

“Ever,” he confirms, and Gou reaches out to take his hand and squeeze.

 

* * *

 

It begins with a slight calculation error, and Rei leans over Nagisa’s shoulder to point out where he’d gone wrong. Nagisa frowns as he corrects himself, and Rei stays hovering behind him as Nagisa works through the rest of the problem. “Perfect,” Rei says, and Nagisa turns his head with a smile, and suddenly they’re nose to nose. Nagisa’s eyes crease at the corners. 

“What would I do without you?” he asks, tone playful. 

Rei is just a little too caught up in Nagisa’s eyes. Nearly daily tutoring has turned into as much a problem as a pleasure. “Fail math,” he answers without thinking, and Nagisa scrunches up his nose and laughs a little. 

“Thank you, Rei-chan.” Nagisa raises his pencil and taps Rei on the very end of his nose with the eraser. “Boop,” he whispers, and turns back to his homework. 

Rei stays where he was, nose tingling. “Nagisa-kun,” he says very suddenly, surprising himself as well. He didn’t mean to bring this up today. “What if we did what Haruka-senpai and Makoto-senpai are doing?” 

Nagisa scribbles another set of calculations. “Um...what are they doing?” 

“Going to Tokyo together. Living there together.” Rei’s voice cracks on the last word. He shuffles around on the carpet so they’re not quite so close. “I know we don’t have to make decisions about that quite yet, but...but it doesn’t have to be Tokyo. We can go anywhere. Get a place...just us two.” He ducks his head to avoid Nagisa’s gaze. “I can get a job after the swimming season is over, save up some extra money. We don’t have to be going to the same university.” 

“Rei-chan…”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to! I just...I thought...maybe…” Rei trails off. Truthfully, he’s planned this out very thoroughly. Even put together a list of schools in the same city that they could attend with realistic expectations in mind of where their test scores will place them. 

“Rei-chan.” Nagisa reaches out and grabs Rei’s hand. “I told you, didn’t I? That I want us to stay together? Forever and ever and ever?” 

Rei dares looking up. Yes, Nagisa had said that, but Rei’s had all fall and winter to doubt those words. 

“I meant that,” Nagisa tells him in a low voice when Rei meets his gaze. He smiles a little. “I want that with you, Rei-chan. I really, really do.” 

“Really?”

“Really really really.” Nagisa squeezes his hand so hard it almost hurts. “Let’s do it. Let’s get a place together. I can get a job too! It’ll be fun!” 

Rei’s shoulders sag in relief. Nagisa raises his eyebrows and his voice goes high. “Did you think I’d say no?” 

“I...I wasn’t sure,” Rei admits. Nagisa scoffs. 

“Of course I’d say yes. You worry too much.” 

Yes, probably. But Rei feels so much better having heard the words from Nagisa himself. He wants them to stay together. 

Really really really. 

 

* * *

 

It begins with a letter. Nagisa’s idea, of course. One last thing to tie the team together before Haru and Makoto leave for real. Letters buried in the ground beneath a tree, like little seeds of their feelings, left to grow. Rei tries to think of what he wants to tell himself, years from now. Of sights he’d never seen before. But he doesn’t know what to write.

He wonders what the others are doing. 

Sure, he’d seen something that day of the relay, but it doesn’t seem as important as the other things he’d gained. His friends. His team. 

He will write about his team. 

Haru. Silent Haru, who spoke so rarely to him and yet every word Rei took and treasured and never forgot.  _ There won’t be an end for us _ . The first person to show Rei how beautiful swimming could be, the one who helped him realize his potential for butterfly, whose praise meant everything and still does. The one who deserves to be seen by world, so more people than just Rei can see the simple beauty of his stroke and find themselves filled with new passion. Don’t forget about Haruka-senpai, Rei writes in his letter, and the way he, in his own silent way, kept Rei going far beyond where he would have given up. Don’t forget Haru and his ability to inspire.  

Don’t forget about Makoto-senpai, he writes. Makoto who ran into the sea without second thought to save Rei in the storm, who remained a kind and patient captain, who smiled and shone after losing to Haru like he’d just won first place, because Makoto has always known what the most important part of swimming was. He who assured with soft words and gentle guidance and kept the team together, no matter what. Don’t forget Makoto and the comfort he provided. 

Don’t forget about Gou-san. She might be a little incomprehensible at times and obsessed with muscles, but Rei has met few people as tenacious as she is. Few people who would work as hard as she did to make the club better, better, and better still. Don’t forget Gou and her resolve. 

Nagisa. What can Rei write about Nagisa? Don’t ever forget Nagisa. Don’t forget the feeling of the weight on your shoulder as you rode the train home, the way still damp hair soaked your shoulders and you didn’t mind. Don’t forget food offered to you with a smile, or the feeling of your bed bouncing as Nagisa landed in it, already formulating a plan for the day. Don’t forget the way Nagisa nuzzles his head into your shoulder when trying to convince you to do something, and don’t forget how wonderful you now find the sound of your own name. Don’t forget that you are Rei-chan. Rei-chan, Rei-chan, Rei-chan. 

Don’t forget how his smile and his absence makes your heart ache in different ways, how sleeping beside him felt so safe, so right. 

Don’t forget how Nagisa changed your entire world. Don’t forget how he made it better. 

Don’t forget how you love him. 

He stares at that sentence and then writes it again, underlines it twice and adds a couple of exclamation marks. 

Please, he writes to himself in the future, if Nagisa is no longer a part of your life at this point, please find him again. There are some people who are simply meant to be together. 

He seals the letter tight and buries it in the ground along with all the others’. Nobody has to know what he wrote. It’s a secret, between him and a letter hidden beneath a tree.

 

* * *

 

“I love him,” Rei says aloud for the first time, lying on his bed with the adder stone in his hands. “I’m in love with Nagisa-kun.” 

It feels so good, to actually say it. He thinks about Nagisa stretched out on his floor during study breaks, and the way he’ll roll over and prop his chin in his hands to talk to Rei, legs bent up at the knee with socked feet swinging in the air. Thinks about the feel of Nagisa’s hand in his, how much Rei longs to take it and let Nagisa lead him anywhere, because Nagisa has only ever led Rei to wonderful places and Rei would trust him with the rest of his life. He thinks about adder stones and photo albums and two watches ticking in time. He thinks about Nagisa lying in bed on top of him the night before Nationals, thinks about promises to be each others’ hassles. He thinks about when Rei had seen Nagisa truly cry for the first time, about Nagisa catching his leg before Rei could walk out the door and the way he’d stared up with eyes wide with Rei’s hands upon his shoulders as Rei had promised he would never leave the swim club. He thinks about classes, and weekends, and nights and Nagisa warm against his side, pulling Rei into karaoke, or skating, or down to the beach, out of his familiar world. About deserted islands and the stars reflected against the water. About a boy in a red tracksuit following him through the fields. Where did it begin?

It began…

It began…

It began...

Actually, he’s not sure when exactly he fell in love. Not sure where the beginning was. All he knows is that he’s in love now, and he wants Nagisa to be the one he spends the rest of his life with. Even if it’s a silly, youthful dream. Rei thinks that if he tries hard enough, maybe it could work. Even if Nagisa never loves him back, it doesn’t have to prevent Rei from staying by his side. This strange love that seemingly came out of nowhere and yet everywhere, all at once. He can’t for the life of him figure out where it all started.

Rei rolls over and clutches his pillow to his chest. Wishes it was Nagisa instead. But he wants Nagisa to know. Now he’s said the words out loud, they’ve become so much more real. Wouldn’t it be okay, to say them just once, right to Nagisa’s face? Just so he knows. Just so Rei can get the weight of these words off his chest. If something doesn’t have a true beginning, can it even end?

Even when Nagisa inevitably tells Rei that he doesn’t feel the same, it won’t prevent the way Rei’s heart swells at the thought of seeing him, the swooping feeling in his stomach at the joy of thinking of a life together. 

He hears the front door open and shut. “Hello?” his mom calls. Rei rolls out of bed and runs to meet her. He remembers to drop the pillow somewhere in the hallway. The adder stone goes into his pocket. 

“Mom!” 

She jumps where she’s pouring herself some milk. A bit of milk jumps from the glass onto the counter and splashes over some of the mail. “Rei?”

Rei grabs onto the counter for support and leans across it. “How did you tell Dad you loved him?” 

She sets the glass of milk down and mops up the spill with the end of her sleeve. “Well, I…” She stops and blinks at him. “Are you going to tell—?”

“I want to, yes.” Rei’s hands flex around the counter’s edge. “How did you tell him, Mom? Or did he say it first? How?” 

His mom takes a short sip of milk. “Well. We’d been dating for about six months…”

Rei makes a frustrated sound and spins away from the counter. That’s no good. He and Nagisa haven’t dated. 

“Wait, come back.” His mom waves him back over. “We were at a festival together and I was eating a candied apple and he was eating cotton candy and…” Her expression goes soft. “He got some cotton candy stuck by his mouth, and I reached up to brush it away and he looked so dumb with cotton candy on his face that I just had to say it. I said I loved him and then he said he loved me too and then he stole my candied apple.” She catches sight of Rei’s expression. “What? What’s wrong with that?” 

Rei groans a little. “It’s so...normal.”

His mom shrugs. “Well, shouldn’t it be? Love is normal. Confessing it doesn’t have to be a big event.” She reaches across the counter and takes Rei’s sleeve. “You just wait until the moment is right, and then you tell him. Trust your gut.” She smiles a little ruefully. “I know that trusting your gut isn’t really your thing but…”

“No, it’s good, Mom, thank you.” Rei steps out of her hold and fingers the stone in his pocket. “I’ll...I’ll trust my gut.” 

His mom’s smile transforms into something much more real, and she pours him a glass of milk to toast with.

 

* * *

 

It begins all over again with Nagisa rolling around on the floor, bemoaning his fate of failing every single exam. Rei hauls him upright and gets him in front of a book and promises to pass them both in every subject so help him whatever possible existing deity might be listening and Nagisa smiles a little and sniffs and Rei wants to tell him then but he doesn’t. 

Not yet.

 

* * *

 

It begins with farewells. Nagisa doesn’t even try to hide his tears as they say goodbye to Haru and Makoto. Rei watches out the window with Nagisa and Gou as the plane lifts off the runway and disappears into the sky.

“They’ll be back plenty,” Gou sniffles. “It’s not like Australia, or anything.” Rei decides not to say anything about that. Gou and Rin’s siblinghood is none of his business. 

Nagisa keeps hiccupping up little sobs even as they go to get pastries. It’s just like before. Nagisa doesn’t cry of sadness often, but when he does, it’s hard to stop. 

Rei wants to tell him right there, but he doesn’t. 

Not yet.

 

* * *

 

It begins with the entrance ceremony. Rei can’t believe he’s made it to being a third year so quickly. The time has passed by too fast, and now he really has to start looking at that list of universities. Nagisa and Gou are already watching the first years carefully, muttering to themselves about potential swim club members and probably scaring them away with the way they’re staring so intently over the backs of their chairs. 

The three of them gather in the club room that afternoon to make plans for the upcoming season. Obviously getting members is crucial, and Rei doesn’t want Nagisa stalking anyone down again. Fortunately, the whole ‘going to Nationals’ thing did a lot for their positive publicity, and Nagisa organizes it so they get the pool cleaned out the first weekend back in school. He brings his sisters along, who seem to all appreciate the manual labor, and Ama-sensei sits up in a chair and talks with Rei about their increased budget and potential opportunities. At some point, Nagisa wanders over and, as co-captain, suggests doing another event with Goro, and casually slips he’s been talking with Nitori about a joint practice. The confidence rolls off of him in waves, and Rei is so incredibly proud to be at his side right now. And he wants to tell him, so badly, but too many other people are there, and it’s not the right time. 

Not yet. 

Not yet.

Not yet.

 

* * *

 

It begins with a train ride, as it has so many times before. Nagisa is dozing against Rei’s shoulder, snoring lightly. They’d met some of their potential new members for the first time today, and Nagisa had been ecstatic as well as all over the place, keeping the energy up while Rei explained how the swimming season works and gotten some basic information from each boy. Since the pool is still so cold, they’d opted not to alienate any recruits by making them get in, but by the sounds of it, every boy can at least swim one style and Rei is optimistic. Gou had definitely been attracting the boys’ attention too, so he hopes that will be another incentive for them to return, even if he won’t admit that to her face. He has the distinct feeling she wouldn’t be pleased.

Nagisa shifts against Rei’s shoulder and looks out the window with sleepy eyes. “Can we stop at the beach?” 

Of course, Rei assures him. They have time. 

Even if the pool water is still too cold, the weather is perfect. The setting sun casts everything into soft pinks and oranges, and the popsicle—blue, of course—soothes his throat from all the talking Rei’s done today. Nagisa kicks off his shoes and socks and rolls up his pant legs so he can feel the sand as they walk. Rei copies after a couple of minutes. The fishing boats are coming in to harbor, shadows out on the water, and a few kites decorate the sky. Nagisa hums to himself as he treads very purposefully through the sand. Rei hangs back a few paces and watches him go. Nagisa notices Rei isn’t at his side after a few seconds and spins around to find him. 

“Something wrong, Rei-chan?” 

He could stay in this moment forever, with blue melted popsicle dripping down his hand. He smiles and jogs to catch up. “Everything is perfect, Nagisa-kun.” 

“Good.” 

Their walk along the beach inevitably leads to the pier, and they sit on the weathered wood right above where sand meets sea with arms brushing. Nagisa sighs happily, scoots closer, and lays his head on Rei’s shoulder. Warmth blooms in Rei’s chest. Yes, everything is perfect. 

He wants to tell Nagisa now. 

“Hey Rei-chan?” Nagisa asks before Rei can open his mouth. He swallows down his confession. 

“Yes?” 

“I love you,” Nagisa says, and lifts his head from Rei’s shoulder to give him a shy smile. “I just...thought I should tell you. Sorry if it makes things weird.” 

Rei blinks, very slowly, and reaches to adjust his glasses. 

“I made it weird, didn’t I?” Nagisa groans a little and tilts his head back to look at the sky. “I’m sorry. My sisters...give bad advice sometimes. All the time, actually. Forget I said anything.” He hops off the pier and starts off across the sand once more, but Rei’s hand darts out and takes his wrist before he can slip out of reach. Nagisa turns back to him in a jerking motion, one arm held out high by Rei’s grip, but he keeps his eyes towards the sea. “I’m sorry,” he says again, voice breaking, eyes hidden when he ducks his head. “Forget it. Forget it. I…”   

“I love you too,” Rei gasps out, and waits with chest heaving for Nagisa to meet his eyes. After a moment he does, head slowly rising and face turning Rei’s way, written into complete shock. 

“Rei-chan…”

“I love you too,” Rei repeats, and reaches for Nagisa’s shoulder, slides down to his free hand so Rei can pull him closer, pull him between Rei’s legs from where he perches on the edge of the pier. Their height difference is exaggerated even more, but Rei’s quaking hands go to cup Nagisa’s face, shutting the mouth open in shock, smoothing away the hair from his eyes. “I love you, in a romantic way, and want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I’ve been waiting for weeks and weeks for the right moment to say it and then you just stole it from me. How could you?” He chuckless quietly and a little smile slowly spreads across Nagisa’s face. 

“You love me too?” 

“I love you too,” Rei says a third time, and moves to jump off the pier onto the beach. He leaves their backpacks and all else behind. They can get those later. Now, he takes Nagisa’s hands once more and pulls him close, secret and safe in the shadow of the pier as the seagulls squawk overhead. 

“So I get bonus points for saying it first?” Nagisa suggests and Rei rolls his eyes. 

“If you really—” He stops as hands fumble for his glasses, and then Nagisa is perching the glasses on his own nose before pushing them up into his hair. Rei can still make out the blur of white that means he’s smiling. “Why can’t I have my glasses?” he asks, feeling a little lost. 

“I think they’d get in the way,” Nagisa tells him, and places hands on Rei’s shoulders, raises himself up on tiptoes. His breath is warm, and coming slightly quicker than usual. “Can I kiss you, Rei-chan?” 

Wait. Kiss? 

_ Kiss _ . 

“Oh,” Rei says, and stands there with heart thumping so fast he could be taken for a rabbit. 

“Rei-chan?” Nagisa asks after a moment, and Rei realizes he’s left him without an answer. 

“Sure! Of course, that’s…” Nagisa leans forward and the rest of Rei’s words are swallowed back down. 

It is an inexpert kiss, short and gentle, but the second one is better, as they learn how exactly their faces fit together. Nagisa was probably right to get Rei’s glasses out of the way. Rei places his hands on Nagisa’s waist and leans into him, so Nagisa doesn’t have to stretch so much to reach. Nagisa grins as they break apart, and laughs a little before going for another kiss, just to the corner of Rei’s mouth. He drops back down to the flats of his feet and hides his face in Rei’s chest, hands still clutching at Rei’s shoulders. 

Rei coughs a little and tries to calm his breathing. Kissing, he decides, is a nice thing. He moves one hand up to Nagisa’s back from his waist, keeping him close as Rei uses the other hand to steal his glasses back. He pushes them into place and stares down at the top of Nagisa’s head. 

There are so many questions he could ask. How did Nagisa realize it was love?  _ When _ did he realize it? Did Gou ever chase him down with a pile of library books? What was the start of it all? Where did it begin? 

And then Nagisa tilts his head and smiles. “I’m really glad I didn’t ruin it. That I didn’t ruin...us.” 

Rei’s chest aches in a way he’s beginning to learn is just a feature of being in love. He holds Nagisa close and presses a kiss to the top of his head. The soft sound of the tide washing up and down the beach matches the beat of his calming heart. Perhaps it’s okay to not know the answers. That’s not the important thing here. 

“Nagisa,” he whispers, as the ocean trickles up over the sand and teases at their feet, fresh and cool and longing to be swum in, “You couldn’t ever ruin us.” 

They are just another beginning. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Title inspired by Andrea Gibson's 'Maybe I Need You'. 
> 
>    
>  _Maybe I need you the way that big moon needs that open sea,_  
>  _Maybe I didn't even know I was here, 'til I saw you holding me._
> 
> Now for the not-so-fun part: fic writing takes up a lot of time, and I have bills to pay and a student loan looming over my head. If you like my writing and would like to see more, please consider supporting me through a small donation! The link to my ko-fi can be found in the sidebar of my [blog](https://ruisninomiya.tumblr.com/). Thank you for your time!


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